Vampire Diaries Premiere Full Recap & Commentary

Creepy night scene. Owls are doing their owl noises and the moon is all white and eerie. Then we hear a voiceover. Apparently, someone's been hiding in the shadows all his life. But that is all about to change. Voiceover announces himself as a vampire. CUT TO couple driving home really late on an abandoned road. (how convenient for vampires) They're carrying on about how there should only be one James Blunt, until they're intercepted by lots of fog. "oh, this will pass" says boyfriend. And then...BAM! Someone's in the road and its all a la I Know What You Did Last Summer. The couple freaks out. Naturally. And the boyfriend tells girlfriend to call for help. He walks over to the injured body saying, "please be alive..." Sorry, boyfriend. You just hit a bloodsucking vampire. And sure enough, just as he approaches, ZIP ZIP BITE! Meanwhile the girlfriend, like blonde idiots always do when they panic, gets out of the car and starts yelling to Darren (who's prolly dead by now) that there is no signal to call for help. She notices he's not there and starts to call out for him. BAM! Darren's dead body falls onto the hood of the car complete with a bloody neck. She screams, she runs. Not far, of course because something picks her up. OPENING CREDITS


Voiceover claims he really shouldnt have come back but he just had to because he "has to know her." Then the boy who seems to own this voiceover jumps off a high roof and lands gracefully on the ground. Vampires never had this much aerodynamics on Buffy. So strange... Cut to really emo girl writing in her diary. I call it like I see it, because I was one of them in High School, so trust me, I know. Apparently, she has much to be emo about since she lost her parents and is known as the sad girl in town. Told you. She goes downstairs and is greeted by an Aunt and I think, brother? Probably doesn't matter much right now. Then she's on her way with another girl who seems to be her BFF. BFF is talking about how she had relatives from Salem and can predict things given she predicted Obama and Heath Ledger. Next, she believes Florida will become a little island of luxury within the next few years. Sweetie, that's not the gift of foresight. It's Geology. But it doesnt really matter what BFF is saying because Elena (emo girl) is spacing out. Then out of nowhere they hit something. Not a person but maybe a bird? or a Dog? or a speed bump? Again, doesn't matter. Just a way to let viewers know Elena lost her parents in a car accident. BFF makes one more prediction. This year is gonna be the best year ever. Oh dear... Elena, your friend just fucked you up for the next 13 episodes.

School Campus. Elena and BFF are hanging out by the lockers and spot a Blonde jock across the way. Elena waves, he just stares and walks off. Apparently, she dumped him and he's too proud to admit he's hurt and listening to Air Supply's Greatest Hits-- so says BFF. Then an extremely wholesome Blonde girl named Caroline gives Elena a big hug. Because you know, she lost her parents and is very emo. I'm sooo not caring about this scene. Thankfully, its over and we cut to Elena's brother who sells drugs and calls out douchebags like the Carson Daly wannabes that they are. Then sadly, back to Elena and BFF, now checking out a mysterious dude's backside. This guy is trying to enroll for classes but he has no transcripts or immunization records etc. (I totally remember all that crap paperwork I had to fill out back in the day.) Mysterious sexy back guy takes off his stunner shades and looks the schoolworker in the eyes and says, "no really bitch, all my info is there." Ok, maybe not in those exact words but he does essentially somehow hypnotize her with his sexy powers and next thing you know, he's all good to go. Outside the room, Elena's BFF is trying to predict if the guy is really hot or not when Elena spots lil bro heading into the bathroom. She quickly follows as he is putting in eye drops. Guess Lil Bro Jeremy has been getting stoned and acting out. Elena explains she's given him a free pass over the summer but now she's done watching him destroy himself. She even promises to be a buzzkill every time if he chooses to continue. And.... a buzzkill she is! Since Jeremy says he "doesnt need this" and walks out. She takes a minute before walking out after him... providing just enough time for the mystery guy to walk out, validate BFF's prediction that he is indeed a hottie, and run straight into her. What follows is the usual awkward, yet enjoyable "oops i bumped into you, oh my gosh, youre so cute, i'm totally into you right now, ok better go before i lose it" dance. They part ways but obviously, the damage is done. They're in love and dont even know it. Later in class, my thoughts are validated in that she peeks over at him, he's passionately staring at her, Blonde ex-boyfriend is looking at them, and BFF is texting Elena that she's got a real admirer. Oh High School love... I miss thee.

Some time later, Elena chooses the cemetary (of all places) to write about her day in her diary. She says that she's made it through the day. Also, that she told everyone she was fine but she really isnt, but it doesnt matter because when ppl ask how are you, they dont really want an answer. (if this girl channels anymore Peyton, i'm gonna start to hate her.) Then a black crow appears out of nowhere. (oh and he showed up earlier but i forgot to mention it, during the car ride to school.) Next, comes the eerie fog that came about before the earlier couple bit the big one. Elena must think the crow is causing the fog and starts shooing it away. When that doesn't work she gets her things and starts walking away (but into the woods? oh yeah, coz thats what all dumb girls do.) We see a male figure behind the fog and so does Elena coz she starts to hurry but trips. She looks back and then forward, and Mystery Guy is there, all calm, collected, and cool. She asks, "were u following me?" He replies, "no, i just saw you fall." (I feel like I've seen this all before...) We finally get his name, Stefan. And they have English and French together. Awesome. Coz I really needed to know that. They do some more small talk, before she compliments his ring. Family heirloom he's stuck with. He asks if she's hurt herself and I guess she really ate it when she tripped since her ankle is all bleeding. He turns his face, his eyes get all dark and vampire-y, remarks she should take care of it, and bounces without a trace.

Back at Casa de Stefan, he's writing in his diary. (god, they're so made for each other.) He writes that he pretty much screwed up today. That all his feelings he's kept buried resurfaced. And the trigger is Elena. So... does this mean he's BEEN checking her out from like a long time ago? Camera pans out to reveal that in his possession is her diary. CUT TO some bar/grill hangout place and Jeremy is trying to hit on one of his earlier female customers-- who happens to date douchebag Carson Daly wannabe (later dubbed Tyler), who happens to be friends with Elena's Ex. Apparently, drug customer girl is Elena's Ex's little sister. Jeremy continues to follow her around like a little puppy and she tells him so. He fires back, "you dont have sex with a little puppy." Niiice. Jeremy isn't afraid to tell the world that she's deflowered him over and over again over the summer. She says it was a drunken/drugged out haze and totally over. Hee. I totally dig these two more than the main characters. Elsewhere in the grill, Caroline is telling Elena's BFF that she knows all about Stefan and that they've already planned a June wedding. Funny how white girls claim their male property.

Back at Casa de Elena, she's getting ready to go out to the bar/grill place as Auntie warns her not to stay out too late on a school night. She opens the door and there's Stefan. He apologizes for his disappearing act and returns her diary. He claims not to have read it because he wouldnt ever want anyone to read his. Elena practically wets herself at the thought that someone is as emo as her. After an awkward moment in which Stefan stands outside the doorway (bc I think Elena didnt officially invite him in - Vampire Rules 101), he asks her if she's headed out. She admits she's going to meet a friend and invites him to come along.

Back at the bar/grill place, BFF is sitting with Ex-Boyfriend, named Matt. He asks about Elena: first about how she's doing, and second, if she ever asks about him. BFF says she doesnt wanna get in the middle and that Elena probably just needs a little time. Enter Elena with hot new boy, Stefan in tow. Burn, Matt, burn! Caroline and Tyler look from afar as Matt tries to be the bigger man and walks over to Elena and Stefan. He introduces himself and all 3 awkwardly act like they've all been friends forever. Later, the girls are seated together and Caroline is grilling Stefan about his particulars. Turns out his parents are dead too. Elena asks if he has siblings and he says none that he talks to. Caroline mentions a party the following evening and after Stefan asks Elena if she'll be there, BFF answers "of course, she'll be there." Elena smiles. Stefan smiles. And I'm bored...

After this fun little outing, Stefan is back at home getting ready for bed when an older man walks in complaining about how Stefan "promised." He hands over the newspaper with pictures of the dead couple headlined by an animal mauling. Older guy says he knows how it works, that if u rip em apart enough, ppl will think its a mauling. And get this! He calls Stefan, UNCLE Stefan! Get it? Coz Stefan is prolly like hundreds of years old or something? Coz he's a vampire... Stefan claims he's under control and the dead couple has nothing to do with him. Stefan's nephew explains to him that Mystic Falls (thats the city) is different now but that some ppl might still remember. (So Stefan has been to Mystic Falls before...) Nephew adds that it was a mistake to come back here even if he has no answer for where Stefan belongs and leaves. Stefan is left to open a locked bureau of journals dated back to yesteryear. He pulls out one of them and opens it. Inside is an old school photograph of a girl who looks just like Elena. Only her name is Katherine and the photo is dated 1864. Interesting....

Back in History Class, they're discussing the casualties of some important battle that went down in the town like hundreds of years ago. Obviously, no one in High School ever cares. For example, Elena's BFF doesn't know very much and the teacher rightly claims "cute becomes stupid" in an instant. (LOL.. reminds me of this girl i know...) Next, the teacher tries Mr. Donovan or Elena's Ex Boyfriend but he's fine with being a dumb jock stereotype and has nothing. Next the scary History teacher tries to pick on Elena, even mentioning that he was lenient to her last year but this year she needs to step up. Apparently, he doesnt care anymore that she's an orphan. Stefan finally saves the day by quoting the number of casualties, even adding some extra info that History Teacher doesn't know about. Way to shut up the authority, Stefan. After all, you were probably there when that shit went down.

CUT to party in the woods where teens are boozing and hooking up. Stefan uses his super vamp hearing powers to locate Elena coz he's not into any other teenyboppers. But then, he's intercepted by Caroline who wants to offer him a drink. Back by the campfire, Elena and BFF are chatting about Stefan and Elena says its time to make some more predictions. She picks up a beer bottle for BFF to use as her crystal ball and when they both hold the bottle, Bonnie (i finally know her name!) gets all weird and creepy and says she sees a crow and fog when she touches Elena's hand. Maybe the girl DOES have powers! But Bonnie says she's drunk and it all means nothing and walks away, leaving Elena stunned and Poof! Stefan is in front of her. (man those vamps just appear outta thin air!) He asks if there's something wrong since its obvious he just scared the shit out of her, again. But she's actually still thinkin about Bonnie's weird voodoo vision. She starts to explain but settles for telling him it doesnt matter because he's here now. Elsewhere at this woodland party, Jeremy sees his deflower-er girl walking off with Carson Daly wannabe guy. Elena is walking around with Stefan, telling him that he's the talk of the town being all new mystery guy. He tells her that she's actually a lil mysterious herself, "twinged with sadness." (Wow, u gotta know who the vamps are because a long, long time ago, men actually noticed things like emotions). She then tells him the reason for all her moodiness. Her parents died in a car crash that had the car running off the bridge and into the lake. She was in the back seat and survived. They didn't. Ah... guilty, much? But then Stefan, being the sweet vampire guy that he is, says: "you wont be sad forever, Elena."

...and deeper into the woods is Vicki and Tyler. (Jeremy's drug customer and her Carson Daly wannabe respectively) making out. Tyler seems to be in heat while she tries to ease him off. She doesn't wanna have sex on a tree. Who can blame her? Jeremy comes walking by just as Tyler begins to lose his patience. Jeremy tells Tyler to get away from her. Jeremy is getting on Tyler's nerves, but Vicki tells Tyler to get lost. Finally! Tyler leaves, but not before saying, "Vicki Donovan says no. That's a first." Very classy, Tyler. Such a gentleman you are. Who wouldn't want you? Vicki tells Jeremy she didn't need his help. He says it looks like she did. Vicki says Tyler is just drunk and Jeremy's all, "i'm drunk, am i throwing myself at you?" She says: "no, worse." Because in her opinion, she thinks Jeremy wants to get to know her, look into her soul, and screw and screw and screw. Vicki dear. You're an idiot.

Back to the main lovebirds... who are talking about Elena's circle of friends. Stefan mentions Bonnie is great and Matt cant seem to take his eyes off them. Shot of Matt from afar with Caroline watching like hawks. Elena explains that Matt's been a friend since childhood and that they started dating because you feel like you owe it to yourself to see if there's something there. Guess there wasn't, since her parents died and it just became clear that their togetherness wasnt passionate enough. Elena's creaming in her pants again at how brilliantly Stefan seems to finish her sentences when his eyes get all vampire-y again and he asks her if she wants a drink and bones out.

Stupid girl Vicki is wandering (deeper into the woods like the idiot that she is) and fog starts to appear. I wanna yell, "Run bitch, run," but instead she turns around and thinks its Jeremy. When all she sees is more fog, she turns (towards the woods again! wtf!) and we see a man standing a few feet away, looking at her like the easy lay (pun, intended) that she is. Turn one more time and she comes face to face with her hunter...and all we hear is a scream.

Back at party central, Elena is looking for Stefan but can't seem to find him. Matt comes up to her and is all, "what's up, I thought you broke up with me coz you needed time to deal with your dead parents." She has no answer and he says that she can do whatever she needs to do but he still believes in them and he's not giving up on her and walks off. Poor Matt. Stefan who's been watching from afar is about to approach Elena but is intercepted again by Caroline. Can this bitch get a clue already?! And just like that, Stefan tells her she's had too much to drink and with him, it's never gonna happen. Awesome. Thank you, Stefan. He finally gets over to Elena but she spots that lil bro Jeremy is drunk and stumbling. She goes after him. He's walking into the woods and she yells out where the hell is he going? Like the drunk pro that he is, yells back he doesnt wanna hear it and trips over something. The something is Vicki, on the floor bleeding from her neck. They run back to party central and everyone is freaking out. Elena says, she's losing a lot of blood and something must have bit her. Stefan watches through the flames and starts to freak out. His face says it all. Meaning his face says, "I am so... fucked." Just in time for Matt to see him leaving the party in a suspicious manner. Stefan rushes home and tells his uncle er-- nephew Zach, that someone else has been attacked, and it wasn't him doing the biting. He goes up to his room and notices the window open. That infamous black crow comes flying in and a man appears. Stefan turns and says, "Damon." Damon says, "Hello Brother."

Later, during a nice little catching up convo between the two brothers, we learn that Damon doesn't like the grunge look of the 90s, small towns, and fads. Stefan mentions big mistake in leaving Vicki alive, but Damon points out that isn't likely his problem as it is Stefan's. What is Damon doing here? says Stefan and Damon throws the question back in his face. And follows up with the fact that Stefan's reason can be summed up into one word, Elena. Man, this girl is popular.

Meanwhile, back at the scene of the crime, they actually called animal control and we see Vicki being carted off into an ambulance. Matt looks pissed. Elena is telling Bonnie she needs to take Jeremy home. Bonnie then looks at her all serious and says she knows she's not really psychic but whatever she saw today or thinks she felt, its just the beginning. Damon is telling Stefan what a beauty Elena is and how she's a dead ringer for Katherine. He asks Stefan if its working, being in her world. Stefan says, Elena is not Katherine and Damon says, let's hope not, since that ended pretty badly. Damon proceeds to try and get Stefan's adrenaline up and it works after he suggests they go bite a few girls or even Elena herself. They fight, crash out of the second story window, and onto the front lawn. Damon says, "I promised you an eternity of misery so I'm just keeping my word." What an honorable man, huh? I guess this has been going on for 15 years. Stefan implores Damon to leave Elena alone, but Damon points out Stefan's special ring isn't on his finger. Once the sun comes up in a few hours, "ashes to ashes." ::snicker:: Damon's an ass but a witty one. He returns the ring and then grabs Stefan and throws him a few feet into a wall. Stefan is a fool to think he's stronger than Damon since he lost that battle when he chose to stop feeding on people.

Back in the woods, Jeremy and big sis are having a heart to heart. Elena urges Jeremy to cut his crap and move on since the rest of the world has and they wont be cutting him any more breaks. He tells her he's seen her writing in her diary in the cemetary of all places so she's one to talk. In a diner somewhere is Bonnie and Caroline trying to sober up. Caroline is upset and is asking why the guys she goes for never want her. Elena doesn't even try and she always gets picked and says the right thing. Oh give it a rest girl. Welcome to reality. Life's not fair. Bonnie says its not a competition and Caroline says, "uh yeah, it is." In the hospital, Matt is waiting by lil sis Vicki's bedside. She wakes up and tells him her attacker was a vampire.

Time for last montage. Elena is writing in her diary. Stefan is ruminating over his plan gone wrong to start anew. Jeremy is looking at a picture of his dead parents. Bonnie is paying the diner bill to reveal Damon sitting at a table a few feet away. Caroline and him make eye contact. Stefan pays Elena a visit and she finally officially invites him into the house.

Glee S1Ep2 Showmance FULL Recap

Let me begin by saying that Glee is such a fast paced, witty show with so many smart one-liners that it's almost impossible to blog in real time to do it some commentary justice! I'd also like to add that this episode titled, "Showmance" was just as wonderful as I expected. Jane Lynch aka Cheerleading coach Sue is absolutely non-stop funny. And Leah Michele aka Rachel has every bit of onscreen TV talent as she does theatre presence.]

We start with the Oh-So-Yummy Mr. Schuester pulling into the high school parking lot with his little car cutely licensed "Glee." He jumps out and heads to class but not before running into his glee club members. First is Rachel, who seems to have some songs she'd like to use for Glee, only Mr. S already took care of that. Finn joins them and helps Rachel with her suitcase/schoolbag that only old ladies or asian fobs use on college campuses. Rachel calls him "chivalrous" and I just love her for using big words even though Finn isn't too sure if that word means a good thing or bad. They walk off and Mr. S approaches Artie, Tina, and Mercedes (which is the wheelchair kid, the Asian girl, and the Black girl respectively). They're just learning some runs and admit that Mr. S is "pretty fly for a white guy." He then separates from them and sees Kurt hanging out with uber jock Puck and his trashcan thrashing minions minus Finn. The football team waits for Mr. S to pass before throwing Kurt into the trashbin, again, after removing his designer bag.

Elsewhere on campus, Emma (the Counselor with OCD) is planning to accidentally "bump" into Mr. S and succeeds right by a kid playing guitar in the background. After their initial apologies for the bump, Mr. S or Will says thank you for Emma's counseling the other day and her convincing him to follow his dreams in coaching Glee club. She beams and nervously states its her thing, to counsel, coz shes a counselor. (so cute.) A cheerleader walks by and tells them to get a room, followed by Quinn (head cheerleader) who informs Will that Sue aka Ms. Sylvester would like to see him in her office and she doesn't like to be kept waiting. When Will gets to her office, she's on the eliptical working out in a bright red Adidas track suit. After offering Will an Iron tablet that is supposed to boost strength during menstruation, she cuts to the chase and informs him that according to the official Show Choir Rule Book, he needs 12 kids in Glee in order to compete for Regionals. She's only counted 5 1/2. She's even put together a list of special ed students for possible Glee recruits. She then starts lifting (matching) little red weights. [LOL!] as Will asks: "are u threatening me?"

She breaks it down for him and explains that essentially Will wants to be creative. He wants to be in the spotlight. Frankly, he wants to be Sue. She advises him to do with Glee club what she did with her wealthy, elderly mother. Euthanize them. She even offers him an assistant job fetching her Gatorade for a shot at the limelight. He politely declines and claims Glee club is here to stay, that they'll make regionals, and that the Cheerios (that's the Cheerleading team) have actual competition at school this year for being the most supported group organization-- basically, he's saying its time to bring it, bitch!

A school bell rings and somewhere by the lockers are Finn and Quinn arguing about how he's making a mistake by hanging out with losers in Glee. Rachel is just about 3 lockers down, eavesdropping. Quinn bribes Finn to quit Glee with a feel of her breast, but not under the shirt, and instead over the bra. Apparently, that's not much and Finn confesses that he doesn't really want to give up Glee and that it makes him happy when he's performing. Quinn believes this will now make ppl think he's gay, leaving her to be his big gay beard. He finally tells her to relax before practically running for it in an effort to just get away. Quinn then spots Rachel and confronts her, calling her out on her interest in Finn. She may dance and sing with him, but she'll never have him. Rachel chirps that she understands why Quinn is threatened and that Glee status is going up while Quinn's is going down... until she is confronted with more liquids to the face. This time it looks like a blueberry slushee. Two of them.

Cut to Glee practice where the students are practicing the disco number "Le Freak." Mr. S is enthusiastic about John Travolta hands, but the kids aren't so much. In fact they stop altogether during a dance move in which Rachel nearly kicks Mercedes and being the diva of the group, Mercedes throws a bitch fit. After threatening to cut Rachel, she claims the song is terrible. Everyone seems to concur; even Kurt says it's really "gay." Hee. Mr. S explains they have to get this down in time for the school's pep assembly this week in order to find some more Glee recruits or the club is over. He continues that Le Freak is the song his own Glee club took to Nationals in 93 and its a definite crowd-pleaser. Time to take it from the top but Finn is clearly worried this really is the end of his reputation. TITLE CARD.

Back with Will and his wifey Terri. Apparently, they're house shopping and he explains he's not sure how it all happened. But we get a scene of Terri's sister Kendra coming by for a visit with her own miserable family, complete with 2 children running around the dining room table throwing paper all over like maniacs. It seems Kendra's husband is her third child since even he must ask for permission from her to eat or go to bathroom. All of a sudden, their present home isn't enough since Kendra refuses to see her niece or nephew raised in such a tiny home. Terri then wants a big house for their family on the way. While exploring an expensive house with a staircase made by Ecuadorian children, Will explains to Terri that they'll never be able to afford this. But she thinks giving up Applebees dinners will be enough. She then appeals to his sensitivity by showing him the room of their "future daughter or gay son", suggesting they'll even put in a mini piano so they can put on shows for her. All this family nostalgia seems to win Will over and he agrees to look for another part time job just so they can afford to make their dreams come true.

Back at rehearsal, Mercedes and Kurt are arguing fashion issues while Rachel is pining for Finn from afar. Mr S/Will comes in with new sheet music and its Kanye! When asked if this could replace Le Freak, he says no because it wont be ready in time. He then announces Finn will take the lead, but Finn admits he's barely learning how to sing and walk at the same time. So Mr. S says: "no problem, i'll walk you through it." ...And then, what follows... is an awesome rehearsal performance of Gold Digger interlaced with scenes of Will's wife Terri building her perfect nursery. Brilliant. The Glee kids with Mr. S singing the shit out of Kanye is so effin cute, I stopped typing the first time just to let myself enjoy it fully. [have i mentioned i fuckin love this show!!?!] Watching them practice dance moves and Mr. Schuester move like a slightly older Justin Timberlake is by far the most awesome thing I've seen on TV in a long time. It's just so... gleeful!

Cut to Emma exiting a bathroom stall and finding Rachel trying to throw up in one of the toilet bowls. Apparently, Rachel isn't throwing up because she has no gag reflex. Nevertheless, Emma asks her to come in for a quick counseling session. After a panoramic shot of all the pamphlets which include: "there's a hair down there!" and "I cant stop touching myself," Emma hands Rachel some info on eating disorders. But Rachel explains she doesn't have Bulimia. In fact, she once tried it, but it was too gross for her. Emma asks what motives led to even trying it and Rachel admits she just wants to be thinner... prettier... like Quinn. She asks Emma if she's ever felt like locking herself in a car and listening to sad music over a guy. Emma takes a quick look at Will who's just outside the office, tells Rachel no, and we cut to a hilarious scene in which she is sobbing profusely to "All By Myself." She advises Rachel to protect her heart and asks if Rachel has tried to tell the boy how she feels. Rachel says he doesnt even notice her. So Emma says that common interests are the key to Romance. Find out what he likes and it might help. COMMERCIAL

We're back and in the Principal's Office. Sue, Rachel, Finn, Mr. S and the Principal Figgins sit around glaring at each other. Sue asks Finn and Rachel if they want to explain to Mr. S and Principal Figgins what they were doing. Rachel thinks Sue is over-reacting. We cut to a flashback of Rachel suggesting to Finn that they make fliers endorsing Justin Timberlake and Robin Thicke in an effort to reach a larger, and more welcoming, audience at the pep assembly. So there they are making copies in the copy room when in walks Sue with her bright blue track suit and when shocked by their rebellious act of using the Cheerios copy machine, she drops her strawberry smoothie protein shake to the floor. Will proposes to Principal Figgins that the kids just pay for the copies. Thus, no harm, no foul. Principal F is cool with this and tells Sue she'll need to clean up the mess she made of her protein shake since they've cut half the Janitorial staff due to the Recession. She is less than pleased and claims: "Lady Justice wept today." Hee.

Outside, Rachel still wants to post the fliers but Mr. S says no. He explains that sometimes you have to do things u dont wanna do. The pep assembly will go on with Le Freak and no fliers. Finn claims its official that he's a dead man. Rachel tries to tell him he's really talented and asks if he wants to practice the next day. But unfortunately, he'll be busy with Celibacy Club.

In a not-so-celibate bathtub at the Schuester home, Will tells Terri that he's been bogged down at school with Glee and thus, hasnt had time to look for another job. They may have to forgo the grand foyer at which point, Terri goes on a crazy rant about "when will someone ever give back to us?" Since the customers and staff at Sheets & Things and the kids in Glee dont think about all their hard work. Mr. S feels guilty. Back at school, he walks in on Principal Figgins on his knees scraping off Sue's protein shake. Apparently, Sue got a nurse's note stating her lupus prevents her from cleaning up the strawberry smoothie. =) Mr. S sees his opening and asks if he can sign up for a janitorial job? Principal F looks hesitant, but Will says he'll work for half pay, sold! COMMERCIAL

Rachel wants to join Celibacy Club, but is wondering where are all the boys? Quinn explains that they're down the hall. They separate for the first half of the meeting and then come together for the second half discussing their faith. Down the hall... the boys are discussing not celibacy, but in fact sex and how far they've gone with girls. We learn that most guys are supposed to think of dead kittens as the best way to stop from "erupting early." Finn is flashing back to his come-prevention moment which consists of learning how to drive with his mom and then hitting a man with the car. The second half of the meeting takes place and each boy/girl pair must learn to grind in close proximity with a balloon in between them. Quinn explains that "if the balloon pops, the noise makes the angels cry." [i burst out laughing at this scene.] Rachel gets paired with an eagerly Horny Geek, while Finn's balloon is the first to pop. He blames his zipper. Hee. Rachel finally says this exercise/club is a joke. She starts preaching about statistics of how celibacy doesn't work with HS kids, being prepared is the only way, and goes around throwing the c word: contraception (not the other one silly!) She finishes by stating that girls want sex just as much as boys do before walking out.

In another classroom... Will is cleaning the bottom of schooldesks and Emma catches him. He tries to deny he's taken the Janitor job but ends up explaining he needed to, so he and Terri would have enough money to buy a new house. Emma offers to help since she IS the most anal person in the world which means she can clean very well. While they're cleaning, Will calls her out on her OCD and she explains she has a problem with messes due to her brother pushing her into a stinky lagoon when they were kids. He asks if she's ever gotten any help or seen someone about it but she claims, she's fine. He then wants to try an experiment which consists of him taking some chalk dust on the tip of his finger and touching the tip of Emma's nose with it. She does not once touch or clean off her nose. This may make me sound dirty, but I have to admit, the scene was HOT. And Emma would agree with me since she comes to her senses and says it's late so she should leave, and she does. As she walks out, and Will looks after her, we see Coach Tanaka watching through a window from the outside hallway.

The next day, before the pep assembly, Rachel calls a secret meeting to suggest they give the student body what they want. Kurt offers, "blood?" and Rachel tells them, "No... sex." Cut to Principal Figgins announcing the toilets on campus aren't working again but that they'll be fixed soon. No one is to shit on the schoolgrounds. [LOL] He announces a special treat for the children today and introduces Mr. S. Emma brightly claps and squeals, "Yay, Glee Club!" She's sitting in front of an almost homicidal Sue. Mr. S tells the students that when he was in High School, Glee ruled the campus and now they're well on their way back to the top. Sue is giggling. Mr. S continues... they need some recruits. He then explains that he'll let his friends do all the talking for how great Glee really is and stands back to watch Glee perform Le Freak...

only, its not.

It's Salt-N-Peppa's "Push It." Will's face evokes surprise, a little confusion mixed with embarrassment, before settling on defeated. While the Glee kids continue to grind and rap onstage, Sue's face shows utter disgust... Emma is earnestly following along... the horny kid from Celibacy Club seems to be enjoying himself... Quinn looks confused but knows when someone is after her man... and Principal Figgins? Well, he's tapping his feet and swaying (to a totally different rhythm) while Sue continues to look on in shock. Finn manages to get through his verse despite the worry of his football team thinking he's a fool. Once the performance is over, its met by complete silence at first, then quickly followed by Horny Geek's squeal of approval. Then, to everyone's surprise the rest of the student body follows in cheers.

Back to the Principal's Office where Sue, Mr. S and Principal Figgins are silently sitting. Sue breaks the silence and weighs in on how more than pissed she is at this filthy, offensive exposition. Mr. S says he really doesnt know what to say. He thinks its all over when he hears that parents have written letters of concern. Sue even suggests he be fired and Glee club automatically disbanded. But the principal actually admits the kids are talented and he's never seen the student body so excited. His solution: a list from his pastor of pre-approved, family friendly songs to sing and he even cuts Sue's dry cleaning fund to get new costumes for Glee. Both Sue and Will are surprised and dismissed. Outside the office is Rachel again, waiting. She starts to apologize, but Will cuts her off, stating he understands why she did what she did, but he doesnt agree with HOW she did it. Now no parent in their right mind will let their kid join Glee and they're stuck with crappy songs. COMMERCIAL

In the Teachers' Lounge, Coach Tanaka approaches Emma who is obsessively cleaning each grape before she eats them. He invites her to Tulipalooza. She fakes that she has asthma but he calls her on it and bluntly asks why she's going after a married man. He admits he saw them the other night and he may not be Prince Charming but he's a good enough man in this town for a crazy girl like her. Back in the auditorium, Finn and Rachel are practicing scales. Finn gets hungry and surprisingly, Rachel has a whole picnic set up on stage left. They sit and Finn admits that he thinks Rachel sings really well. That when he first heard her sing, it touched him ::here:: But apparently, he's placing his hand on the opposite side of his chest. She corrects him and shows him where his heart is located. They drink virgin Cosmos in airplane cups before sharing an awkward moment. She tells him he can kiss her if he wants. He admits he wants to and they lay down. After a few soft, sweet kisses... Finn pulls away and BAM! we flashback! To Finn's memory of hitting someone in a car. I guess he wanted to prevent an early eruption? LOL.... I love the comedic timing of this show!! Meanwhile, at the doctors office, we find Terri getting an ultrasound or there lack of-- because in fact, she is NOT preggo and is having a hysterical pregnancy! The doctor claims she wants to have a child so bad, she's just beginning to think she has the symptoms. Uh-oh....COMMERCIAL

Glee Tryouts... and guess who's auditioning? None other than Quinn herself along with 2 other cheer mean-girls. They hilariously choose to perform the song "I Say A Little Prayer For You." They're not actually bad and do an excellent rendition. It's like Dreamgirls but with white girls, complete with the chaste hand motions of the early 50s/60s. After their audition, they confess to Sue that they're joining Glee but dont wanna get kicked off Cheerios. Sue sees this as a brilliant idea since they can be her spies-- an eye on the inside. Elsewhere, Emma is really scrubbing down a school water fountain when Will asks her to join him for some type of function. But this time, she listens to her conscience and asks him, what are they doing? After all, Will has a baby on the way. She says shes goin to Tulipalooza with Coach Tanaka and walks away close to tears. Will, feeling defeated oncemore, later comes home to find Terri is still up. She's even made him chicken pot pie. She needs to tell him that she's been crazy and not really pregnant at all. But when he starts emphasizing the importance of their soon-to-be family, she lies and says they're having a boy! She even tells him that she doesn't want him working a second job and that their house now is fine. She's willing to make a compromise. Will is so grateful, he cant see she's lying through her little teeth....

The next day, Will breaks the news to Rachel that hes giving the solo with Finn to Quinn. Sadly, its not always gonna be about her. Or him. And he takes responsibility for his own actions in pushing for Le Freak at the Pep Assembly. He now understands that Glee is supposed to be fun. So even if she doesnt always get the lead/starring role, and they dont end up singing the songs he wants... the important thing is they both enjoy themselves and try to make it fun. She seems to understand this and asks if she can use the auditorium later to practice. He seems ok with it and musical notes of "Take A Bow" begin to play as the camera pans in on Rachel's face, overcome with disappointment. We then see an interweaving montage of her singing in the auditorium bathed in passionate, yet painful purple light as well as singing to herself in her bedroom mirror. Lastly, one embedded scene has her singing to Finn from afar... who seems to be back to normal with girlfriend, Quinn. CREDITS.


AFTERTHOUGHTS:

Oh TV shows... you build us shippers up and then you break us down. Nevertheless, I like the closeness explored in these would-be couples. Will manages to pull off being hot and good-hearted despite his very sexy chalk to nose scene with Emma. Rachel doesn't overplay the pining and makes it that much more believable and relate-able when she actually does overdo her actions in trying to get what she wants. I have to say that even though Quinn is technically the enemy, I found her to be very likeable in this episode. The whole Celibacy Club thing is hilarious and Jane Lynch has so many wonderful one-liners, it's impossible for me to catch all of them. I was NOT ONCE disappointed with the episode. It moved fast, it made me laugh, and it made me sad all in one episode. Hey, that's all any TV viewer can ask for.

Melrose Place 2.0 Premiere FULL Recap

We begin with a racy, nightlife montage of Hollywood... For a second there, I thought I was watching an episode of The Hills. I anticipated this move. Waste no time and move straight to the sex, glitz, and glamour. More shots of booze and nightclubs before settling on a young blonde guy named David, who's hot and heavy with some lucky extra...until his phone starts blowing up. Apparently, there's some kind of emergency. He goes to the bar to tell another blonde Ella, that he needs to go but not before she teases him for being such a buzzkill. He hands her some cash to grab a cab, which she immediately uses to order more drinks. [Hmm.. I like her.] The next time we see David, he's barging into a restaurant kitchen to tell a brown-eyed brunette sou-chef Auggie (yes, that's a dude), that Sydney's in trouble and he has to comewith since he's the only one who knows how to deal with her when "she's acting up." Auggie is clearly busy with cooking and tells David to go on ahead without him and that if the situation escalates, he'll follow. David then makes a call while in his car to med student Lauren at the hospital who tells him if he finds Sydney passed out or worse, don't waste any time in calling her and instead call 911. David finally gets to 4616 Melrose and opens the door to Sydney's apartment. Only its void of the impending doom he thought he'd find. Instead, Syd is being oh so seductive. She makes a move on David but he tells her to stop. She explains she wants him. But apparently, that's all over. He starts to walk away when she says she doesn't understand why he's being so reluctant. She adds they were once so close especially since he told her things he probably would never want anyone else knowing. [Heh, well that's just a throwaway line on this kind of a show.] She tries again and this time gets close enough to him to caress his face before the scene fades out...

Morning breaks, and we're introduced to Jonah and Riley snuggling on the bed. Apparently, it's their anniversary but Jonah has forgotten. Apparently, this isn't the first time. Last year, he swore on the Lord of the Rings (blasphemous if u ask me) that he'd never forget their anniversary. He nonchalantly sits down to turn on the TV when Riley starts bitching some more. But wait! He didnt forget! He redeems himself by a video montage playing on TV that he apparently prepared for in advance. Somehow, this episode transforms into the montage and we see a god awful stream of images in the style of a hippie's acid trip gone bad. [my sister even blurted out the words: "what the fuck is this?"] The video montage finally ends with Jonah saying, "...and one more thing..." Riley stops watching and finds Jonah has moved to the other side of her and is down on one knee. He pops the big question... but the cheesy proposal is interrupted by screams of Ashlee Simpson (yes, those are real screams, not lip-synced ones). Everyone comes out of their apartments to find Sydney's dead body in the pool. [gee. takes me back to when we found crazy, dead Brooke in the pool. now those were good times.] COMMERCIAL

And were back. The police believe that Sydney was stabbed in the doorway and eventually collapsed into the pool. Ashlee's character is apparently the new girl, named Violet. Just moved in, which is unfortunate since she's the one who discovered the body (in true Melrose fashion, maybe SHE'll turn out to be the killer!) Auggie seems to be the resident nice guy, since he's the only one that feels any sort of remorse for not being there the night before. Maybe he could've helped. (or... in true Melrose fashion, maybe he had something to do with it!) Lauren finally asks the obvious question: Wheres David? Apparently, he's being questioned by the police but wont say anything without a lawyer. He's got a colorful record full of minor arrests and drug busts. He claims he didnt kill her. His douchebag of a police officer doesnt seem to believe him but David's free to go anyway. Turns out, Ella's at the station and claims she was with him at 530 in the morning exonerating him of any charges. [now if i was a police detective i would have checked out both stories to see if they matched before releasing the possible murderer, but what do i know?] David explains that if Ella uses this story for his alibi, everyone will think they hooked up. She responds: "so give them something to tweet about." [yeah, i really like her.] Cut to Lauren who's now taking care of a patient whose son seems very caring and sympathetic. She leaves the room to take a call and its her Dad. He's been laid off and consequently, can't help pay for the rest of her tuition, which we find, is already overdue. Lauren fakes everything's ok and hangs up the phone, but we see she's near tears... Back to Jonah and Riley (who btw is already starting to annoy me) She's about to leave for work when Jonah admits he forgot to get gas for the car. Oh Jonah, so forgetful... She's disappointed, but he seems to charm her. And then reminds her that she hasn't said yes to his proposal. She bullshits and explains that with everything that's going on that morning she just needs a little time. After he claims he's known since the day he met her that he wanted to marry her (highly unlikely but whatever), she asks for a day. He seems butthurt, she frowns, and leaves. Outside the police station, Ella and David are discussing their alibi. Or more like, he accuses her of using him as HER alibi but she says she's a neat freak and that if she did kill Sydney, she wouldn't have been that sloppy. Then we get a flashback: Sydney is waiting for Ella in Ella's apartment and says "how could you?" It seems Ella has spilled the beans on Sydney sleeping with David's dad. Ella claims she's just being a good friend. Syd's not amused and proceeds to evict her. Adding insult to injury, she promises Ella that when shes finished, Ella will leave here the same way she came, as a pathetic wannabe wearing juicy sweatpants and bad highlights. [I'm assuming this flashback is to give us Ella's motive for possibly killing Sydney.] It ends just in time for David's dad to pull up in his baller ass car to pick up David. And of course, Dad turns out to be none other than Dr. Michael Mancini.

In a fun, father/son car ride, David tells Michael that he knows about him once living at Melrose Place and cheating on his then wife... and helping Sydney once fake her own death. More arguing ensues until Michael finally kicks him out of the car and leaves him stranded on a very ghetto looking road. Cut to Ella and Jonah who are at a rich man's daughter's super sweet teen birthday party. He's initially there just to film the joyous event, but really plans on pitching his short film to the bday girl's dad who happens to be a successful filmmaker. Jonah is nervous and Ella tries to boost his confidence. He is a talented artist (though u'd never know from that horrible cheezy montage). All he has to do is be himself. At that moment, he announces he's proposed to Riley. Ella rolls her eyes (i think i do too) and walks away. Back at the hospital where Lauren works, she gets faxed an overdue tuition bill?... Just as her patient's son walks up and starts hitting on her. Back again to the Bday party, Ella is scolding Jonah about tying himself down when he could have any girl he wants. He says he only wants Riley and then admits she hasn't exactly said yes yet. Ella's quick to point out if Riley has doubt, it's not a good sign. Back to Lauren again, this time at the Melrose apartment. (how'd she get there so fast?!) She's walks into Riley's apartment to ask about any current news regarding Sydney's murder. There isn't any. But Riley notices that Lauren looks perturbed. She asks whats wrong and Lauren immediately tells her sob story. "All my life... all I wanted to be was a doctor." [cue the violins girl. we're in a damn recession.] She then mentions to Riley that she's so bummed she doesn't even wanna go out on a date with some cute guy who asked her out. She also complains about having only one outfit and pair of shoes. [Geez, this girl is a martyr] Riley offers to let her raid the closet since they share the same shoe size anyway. And as she gets up, Lauren sees the ring. She's psyched and asks why Riley didnt say anything. Her answer: "oh, because nothings really official yet." Or something like that. Idiot. Back at the bday party, Jonah finally gets the courage to introduce himself to the father of the celebrant. After he makes his pitch, Bday Girl's Daddy aint so pleased. Movie pitch is a major fail...

And in one probably boring, outdated closet, Riley is explaining why shes an idiot-- i mean, why she hasn't accepted Jonah's proposal. Its because he can't seem to take care of himself, so how will he be able to take care of a family. Struggling artist vs. Dependable Husband and Father.... I guess he just can't be both. Elsewhere in a restaurant kitchen, David visits Auggie and tells him Ella made up an alibi to get him out of police custody. He also admits that he blacked out the night before and is worried he may have actually killed Sydney. But Auggie says no way. It couldnt have been him. [Perhaps its those big brown eyes, but Auggie wins the best actor award on this show so far. Not sure that says much, but I always liked this actor on AMC too.] Back to the oddly Bollywood-themed bday party and the bday girl's Mom wants Jonah to film the gifts in the house. But when he goes in there, he hears giggles and smooches and surprise, surprise...Daddy, aka Filmmaker who shot him down, is making out with one of his daughter's best friends. Jonah (being so forgetful) never stops filming and is caught just as he finishes documenting a video of Daddys Gone Wild. Hmm... maybe Daddy will wanna look at his film after all. COMMERCIAL

Cut back to Michael who seems to be experiencing a Sydney flashback of his own. Syd is telling Michael that her and David are over. That she only got with him to piss Michael off. She says she needs Michael, but hes happily married now. She doesnt buy it. She thinks hes in a bad marriage and threatens to tell his wife about their affair. [anyone else think Michael and Sydney were made for each other?] Meanwhile, Lauren apparently found some clothes and shoes and is now on her date. Only it looks like she's boring him to death with her "how i wanted to be a doctor all my life" story. He claims he's not bugged by it at all and invites her over for dessert to his upgraded hotel suite. [obviously, the guy just needs to get laid.] After she tells him that she's just not the first date hook-up kinda girl, he admits he's only dating for one night since he's actually moving his ailing mom back to New York. He then tells her he has a crazy idea which consists of them going back to his place and getting it on for about $5,000.00 (guess he saw that late school bill). Lauren is shocked. He tries to rationalize, but she's already disgusted and gets up. He yells out for her to think about it as she walks off. At the party, Jonah is racing off the property embarrassed by his accidental filming. Filmmaker Daddy is running out after him and basically offers to buy Jonah's short film for a $100,000.00 without even seeing it. Just to keep him quiet about what he saw and/or filmed. Jonah is baffled and left with a proposition of his own. COMMERCIAL

Lauren is furiously walking back to her apartment, drops her purse, and is clearly falling apart. She runs into Violet who comments her on her new wardrobe. Apparently, she's never seen Lauren outside of her scrubs. Violet seems naive and bright-eyed. She asks Lauren what's wrong and Lauren (being so in need of telling people her problems) tells her about her almost 1st job as a prostitute. When she's finished with her story, Violet points out that she actually lost twofold. No money and no sleeping with a cute guy. [Something tells me Violet isn't as innocent as she pretends. You gotta have a sneaky bitch on this show.] Jonah comes home and Riley is all "Where've u been?! There's so many messages on the machine for you from a major film producer who wants to buy your movie." Jonah explains that he just wants to buy the movie because he got caught making out with his daughter's best friend, on camera. He's never even seen Jonah's film. He scathingly tells her that he wanted to take the offer because it would finally prove he's ready to be a grown up. [aka ready to quit his dream of making sophisticated films in an effort to do whatever he can just so he can make her happy.] Essentially, if he said yes, he'd be doing it in hopes that she'll finally say yes to him. BUT! In the end, he couldn't bring himself to do it. Because, thankfully, Jonah has actual dignity and doesnt wanna sell out. He wants to start his career on different terms. He apologizes, thinking she sees this as yet another screw-up, but this time Riley finally realizes her stupidity and sees him for the noble man he really is. And so, she says yes. [barf] COMMERCIAL

It's Memorial time at Melrose Place and Auggie is trying his best to say nice things about the dearly departed Sydney. Everyone toasts as Jonah announces the new engagement. Everyone seems happy and congratulates them, except Ella who walks away looking like she's going to vomit. [i feel u girl.] David follows her and oddly proposes to make his and Ella's alibi for real. But she doesn't wanna hook up with losers so she turns him down. Violet asks Auggie out for coffee but he admits he's seen better days and politely declines. We reach the final montage of scenes and we find out David is an art thief, the douchebag police officer is trailing Ella--who ends up goin all Lesbo and making out with some hot chick at a bar. Meanwhile, Lauren is all hookered out as she arrives at the hotel room suite. It seems she has succumbed to doing the dirty for money while the new fiances are taking a bubble bath. Violet goes all klepto by stealing Sydney's memorial picture, and we end with Auggie... who is hiding something since he pulls out a bloody shirt and burns it in an alley.

AFTERTHOUGHTS: Hmm... well, lets see.... I guess the first thing is, I expected a lot worse? Most of these sleazy soap dramas are dependent on ppl connecting to the characters enough so that we believe all their crazy plot twists. I see promise in the characters of Auggie, Ella, and even Jonah and Violet. Lauren and Riley seem like the weakest link, maybe because they play the sweet girls who just wanna have a family and become a doctor to help people. Can you say... boring? Like, why the hell would you live on Melrose?? Move to the suburbs bitches! Anyhow, I'm also looking forward to seeing more of Michael, and later, Jane (Sydney's older sister from the original Melrose Place). Which reminds me, what is up with that logo in the opening credits? I hope they find something more interesting by next week. In short, not amazingly entertained but not deeply disappointed either. We'll just have to see what happens...