Modern Family Premiere Highlights: Sports Guy Chest Bump!

First of all, while watching the pilot finally air last night, it seemed as if i'd already seen it-- since almost all of the scenes have been previewed over the past few weeks! (i.e. The baby with the creampuffs scene, the wannabe cool dad doing the High School Musical dances, or the Columbian mom going apeshit over a little league soccer game). But even if i HAVE seen it all before, it's still pretty effin funny. The Office-like mockumentary feel of the show is spot on & who knew that Julie Bowen had a comedic side? It's great to see her in something other than being Jack's sad ex-wife with a broken back on Lost!

Highlights:

- Phil Dunphy and the be-be gun fiasco. Not only does he accidentally shoot his son (a punishment he didn't want to give in the 1st place), but he then ends up shooting his daughter's new boyfriend and himself! His efforts at trying to be cool showcase his familiarity with text lingo among other things. And he claims he can intimidate with his eyes despite what he's saying with his smiling mouth. His scenes of viciously beating his much shorter son at basketball at the end is also hilarious. 

- Sofia Vergara as Gloria, the young Columbian wife to Ed O'neill's much older Jay Pritchett is like the milf of all milfs. Even her strong accent doesn't bother me. It provides wonderful comedy when Phil compliments her on her dress and she says, "Thank you Phil" but he thinks she means, "Feel," and tries to do just that! LOL... Her openly emotional, chubby son Manny is also adorable. Now if we could only add some Black people into this mix....

- Our gay couple is represented by the delightful characters of Cameron and Mitchell who have their very own special sports guy chest bump!! Mitchell seems to be pretty confrontational to anyone who might have a problem with their homosexual lifestyle-- except when it comes to his own family. Luckily, his hilarious partner Cameron, embraces that drama. Perhaps the BEST scene in this episode is when Cameron introduces the whole family to Lily (their new adopted Vietnamese baby) via the Lion King's "Circle of Life"!!!!

Glee S1E4 Recap: All the Preggo Ladies x2 uh-oh oh oh...

We open with Kurt and friends performing yet another impression of Beyonce's "Single Ladies" music video-- it's even shot in black and white. Unfortunately, they're busted by Kurt's Dad (perfectly played by Mike O'Malley), who's home early so he can see the latest episode of Deadliest Catch. In an effort to address the gay elephant in the room, Kurt makes up a story that he's simply working out. He explains that the unitard he's wearing is actually the new "jock chic." His lie snowballs into a story about making the high school football team as the new kicker. His Dad seems to approve and it seems like crisis is averted until Dad mentions he wants a ticket to Kurt's first game...  So Kurt gets help from Finn for an audition to be the new kicker. At the actual tryout, Kurt wants to use his music. Finn tells Kurt he cant channel Beyonce for the tryout in front of all the guys or he'll never be taken seriously. Kurt simply says that he's a "chocolate rum souffle." If he's not warmed up properly, he'll never rise. Hee. And so a fabulous Single Ladies inspired kick occurs (aka an impressive field goal) which wins him a spot on the team.

Meanwhile, stakes grow higher for Sue whose local tv segment is in danger of being cancelled if she doesn't win Cheer Nationals. It doesn't help that rumor has it she's losing all the best cheerleaders to Glee. So, she visits Sandy-- who struts around his house in a kimono while talking to his doll collection. Clearly, he needs purpose in his life so she offers him an Art Director position at school. This way he has final say over all art departments-- including Glee. Their first order of operation is to steal Glee's main talent, Rachel. Which isn't too hard since she's butt hurt, fresh off the disappointment of losing the part of Maria in West Side Story to Tina. Will explains to her that she cant always be the center of attention in Glee (for like the millionth time) or the others will just kick back and let her pick up all the slack. That type of uneven group participation will never get them to win competitions. She's stubborn and in the end quits Glee to join Sandy's new production instead. 

Terri is still faking her pregnancy and now being egged on by her mean-spirited sister, who suggests all she needs to do is find a baby to pass off as her own. Lucky for her... Quinn drops some big news: she's pregnant. When she tells Finn, he's stunned, especially because she claims it happened during a hot tub session in which his strong sperm swam their way to victory despite them both having their swimsuits on. Finn panics and seeks aid from Mr. Schuester. He tells Mr. S he knows what happens to guys who have kids early-- they become trapped. Finn doesn't want that to happen to himself. Since he's not smart, he must depend on a football scholarship in order to go to college. To get a scholarship, the football team needs to win games-- which they're not doing. He thinks the football team needs to loosen up like how Mr. Schuester taught him and Puck to loosen up for Acafellas. In short, Finn is asking Will to teach the team how to dance in hopes it'll make them better, like how it worked for Kurt. Mr. S says he'll see what he can do even though Tanaka will probably not go for it. Later that night, Will tells Terri about Quinn and Finns situation and a light bulb goes off! Terri pays Quinn a visit the very next day, pointing out she's nowhere near ready to have a baby. But not before we find out that Finn isn't REALLY the father of Quinn's baby!! Turns out, it's Puck's! Apparently, he convinced Quinn to have sex while drunk off winecoolers on a day she felt fat. When Puck finds out about the pregnancy via Finn, he finds Quinn to tell her he doesn't wanna be a deadbeat dad like his own father. But she's quick to tell him he'll always be a loser and wants nothing to do with him. She's better off with Finn. 

At the football game... and they suck! Until Finn convinces the team to do the dance they've been practicing with Mr. S. And that dance is.... Single Ladies! AGAIN! They finally do the number, because they have no other options, and once they begin... the other team is incredibly confused. The crowd starts dancing... hell, even members of the other team start dancing. And just when they've got everyone hooked... they start the final play, which is a far pass to Puck... and TOUCHDOWN!!!! Now the score is 6-6 with no more time left. All Kurt has to do is kick the field goal and they'll win the game! I'll give u one guess as to what his music is while kicking the winning field goal... Single Ladies!! (that's 4 times now people!) Everyone celebrates including Finn and Quinn who kiss on the sidelines as Puck watches from afar. At the very end, Kurt finally tells his dad that he's gay. Much to his surprise... his dad already knows. In fact he's known since Kurt was 3 and all he wanted for his bday were some sensible heels. 

***Not as much singing this episode... Rachel does a little bit of Celine's "Taking Chances" and Tina's "Tonight" solo is also just an excerpt. But there is...a lot, lot, lot of Beyonce's Single Ladies! uh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh....::pointing at my ring finger::

Melrose Place S1E3 Recap: ...And the Plot Thickens! Well, sort of.

Father & Son
David thinks Michael killed Sydney and is going to prove it! oooOOoooOh! He steals Michael's office access card, breaks into his computer, and links all of Michael's files to his own laptop. Once safely at home, he logs in and discovers Michael has a file on all of Melrose Place's tenants-- old and new.

The Riley and Jonah Show
This week our crisis revolves around Riley not telling anyone that her and Jonah are engaged. What the hell is this girl so scared of?? Apparently, she's intimidated by Jonah when he's in the zone. He knows what he wants and he goes for it. Why would he wanna be with a girl who doesn't know what she wants? THAT is a fuckin great question. I'm sure WE'RE ALL ASKING that SAME THING. Although the two make up again by the end of the episode, Riley fails to tell Jonah about a drunken kiss she shares with Auggie. UGH. I can't wait till these two finally break up. I'm willing to bet that wedding will totally blow up in their faces.

My Favorite Publicist
Ella is still having issues with her new boss Caleb, who's just gunning for her termination. After an important director abandons a music video shoot, Ella steps up to fix things in hopes to solidify her job security. She recruits Jonah to do the gig. Despite his excellent filming of the music video, Caleb ends up putting the old director's name on the video since it will generate more airplay. Ella responds with approval despite feeling bad because its clear she has feelings for Jonah. Herego, the guilt in lying to him about fighting on his behalf.

Dirty Doctor
... except that Lauren doesn't actually sleep with anyone for money in this episode. Instead, she's practically stalking Michael because she wants to join his medical team. She even shamelessly name-drops David and tells Michael they live in the same building. In the end, Michael approves her membership despite the red flags on her medical profile due to her late payments. I'm thinking he plans on using her as leverage if David actually does come up with something against him.

Psycho Bitch!
Violet is creepily sneaking into Sydney's closet and trying on her clothes!! She clearly wants to be just like Mommy in that she's desperately trying hard to grab Auggie's attention. She even buys him a pair of $200 sunnies to thank him for getting her the restaurant job. Unfortunately, he doesn't accept it and the look on her face after her rejection shows just a trace of the crazy that we know is coming...

***Next week... Jane returns as the new landlord! Let's hope she suffers a better fate than Syd!

House Premiere FULL Recap & Commentary: They tried to make me go to Rehab, I said No No No...

We open with House waking in and out of consciousness in his mental hospital bedroom. We see flashes of a woman (Cuddy?) looking in on him, a nurse checking his IV. He feels pain in his leg, he assumes the fetal position, he only gets one yellow pill a day (and I doubt it's Vicodin), he's among the crazies... He's throwing up and experiencing major withdrawals. He's basically feeling REALLY shitty. He bangs on his locked door and cries for help. Even the cinematography quality of this whole opening sequence is greenish and makes you feel like you're dead inside, watching this great doctor finally fall from grace.

Then one day, he wakes up and the pain from his leg seems to be gone. So, in true House fashion, he thinks it's time for him to go home. He explains to the nurse that he's there voluntarily so she doesn't need to check with any doctors to release him. But she's been given strict orders. So House meets with his doctor, Dr. Nolan. He tells House he's legally free to leave when he wants, but that his suggestion is to stay. If House just had issues of medication abuse, why did he choose to admit himself into a mental institution and not a rehab clinic? House says, because he was deluded into thinking he was crazy. Doc says his issues lie deeper. House only started experiencing hallucinations when 2 of his colleagues died. And his father died. He also adds that if House leaves, he won't be able to practice medicine or any profession for that matter without his recommendation. House cleverly refers to this type of treatment as blackmail. ::smile:: He should know, he uses it all the time.

Thus, House gives in and signs up for Ward 6. There, he is assigned to a blonde Dr. Beasley. She explains to him all he has to do is participate in group & take his medicine, but he explains to her that his one and only goal is that letter of recommendation. Until that point, he intends on making his stay there as unbearable as possible for everyone-- so much, that they'll be begging him to leave. Later, he meets his new roomie, a manic-depressive puerto rican guy named Alvie, who refuses medication, won't shut up, and refers to him as Brick! House! LOL... Alvie wants to show him around and introduces him to a mute girl named Annie. Meanwhile, Dr. Nolan, Dr. Beasley, and another suit discuss whether House will really act out given this will only validate their diagnosis.

In group therapy, House tries to label everyone by their mental illnesses and gets initiated into the uncooperative group member club. Their clubhouse is a padded white isolation room. After his little time-out he visits the basketball courts and Dr. Beasley tells him if he really wants out, he just needs to talk. Be with people, deal with people. She gets what she asked for when House attacks every single patient with their worst fears. Telling the paranoid patient the CIA is watching him via satellite, crouching over the claustrophobic one to make him feel like the walls are caving in, telling his roomie the manic depressive nobody really likes him. Ok... so maybe not exactly what Dr. Beasley asked for. House goes up to visit the art room where he finds a German woman playing the piano for Annie. Apparently, Annie is her husband's sister. But Dr. Beasley comes in with orderlies to take House back to the time-out room. After releasing him a second time, House begins his next strategy by apologizing to the patients for his misdirected anger towards them and begins preaching about the doctors who are the real enemy. He seems to be successful in staging this coup until Dr. Nolan shows up. He fixes things by giving the patients their much-desired paddles for ping pong and House complains about how Dr. Nolan's plan seems to be to give everyone what they want-- except House. Dr. Nolan tells him he's a born leader and could do something useful, or... they could keep fighting. Either way, House will never break him since he's just as stubborn.

Day 2 of Group and there's another new patient, Steve-- who thinks he's some sort of superhero named Freedom Master. House is over it within ten seconds and walks over to the window. He sees Dr. Nolan with a lady friend and has come up with a new scheme. He enlists Alvie, who has 3rd floor privileges, to sneak into Nolan's office and find out who the lady friend was. Unfortunately, Alvie fails and so they have to resort to calling a friend to find out the lady friend's identity by running her plates. In order to get phone privileges they must barter meds with a patient named Hal. In order to get meds, they fake a fight so that House is given sedatives-- which he "cheeks" or fake swallows. Successful in their mission, House calls BFF Dr. Wilson. But! Wilson's already been intercepted by Nolan. He's told if he wants to help House, he musn't interfere and let Nolan do his job. So Wilson hangs up on House. Boo...

Defeated, he returns to his room and Alvie asks him what his next move is. House says its time to cooperate in every way he can, but not by taking any meds. Over the next few days, he talks about his feelings and behaves, finding his way from a Level 0-privilege patient into a Level 3. All the while, not swallowing his pills. He runs into the piano playing lady again and they decide Annie may respond better to cello rather than the piano since she used to play for the Philadelphia Harmonic before she went all mute. House then has to visit with the earlier suit guy who is asking him questions about possible side effects of his medication and House's earlier fight with Alvie. The suit doesn't trust House and doesn't believe he's taking his medication. He asks House to give him a urine sample but House one-ups him since he's already got Hal in the stall ready to pee for him. Oh House, you really do think of everything.

Later, Suit guy apologizes for ever doubting him and starts picking on Steve the Superhero. He tells him to move the piano with his superhuman powers in an effort to make him realize his own delusions. Turns out the reason for Steve's delusions is due to a wife he lost and couldn't save, which Suit guy blatantly shouts in his face in front of everyone. Steve panics and goes crazy thinking he can save Annie instead. He knows he can make her speak if he could only break into the nurse's office and take back her "voicebox." The orderlies come and take him away. House is pissed and starts thinking about how much longer he can allow himself to do the pretending to cooperate thing. Alvie tells him to stop thinking because it'll lead to doing and he's so close to getting out of there. Apparently, it's someone's re-birthday, meaning they get to leave. House looks around at all the people attending the party and notices Steve aka Freedom Master isn't there. He finds out Freedom Master's in his room, all drugged up and starts blaming the Suit guy. Dr. Nolan shows up and asks House to talk. As he walks out after him, Alvie's there reminding him that "thinking sucks."

In Dr. Nolan's office, House finds out Nolan was a step ahead of him. He knew House wasn't taking his pills and started him on a placebo. Unfortunately, the urine tests that Hal provided is what solidified Nolan's theory that House was still trying to fight the system. Burn! Now there's no new plan and House is officially beat. His only solace is that Piano girl returns with a cello and he offers to have Steve help bring it up. That way, Freedom Master feels a little bit better since they told him he has no powers. House asks the Piano girl why she wastes her time visiting her mute sister-in-law and she says its out of compassion. Steve's finally lifted the cello from the car and House asks Piano girl for her keys. He just wants to make Steve feel like he's a real flying superhero by letting the wind blow through his hair. All together now driving and House admits he's actually kidnapping Steve and stealing Piano girl's car. She doesn't seem to mind and just kindly gets out... making me feel like this may be another one of House's hallucinations.

It doesn't help that him and Steve end up going to a carnival, experience x-flying, and take home a stuffed giraffe. Just when you think everything is hunky dory, House turns around to see Steve standing off the edge of a balcony thinking he really can fly and jumps. Uh-Oh.... Next, we see House holding a bloody cape and Nolan is lecturing him on how he's done this stupid thing to act out against Nolan with Steve as the collateral damage. He tells House he's transferring him to a different ward and that he's done with all his crap. But House finally admits he needs help. In his first session with Nolan, they talk about what House wants. In short, it's to be happy and yet still be the same person he always has been. He believes that taking Nolan's prescribed medication will somehow eliminate his edge and unique way of connecting to people in order to diagnose them. After a few comparisons to Van Gogh, Nolan finally convinces House to take the meds... much to Alvie's dismay. He sadly says to House, "they broke you." And House's reply is equally depressing. "I'm already broken."

Nolan has a new assignment for House-- trust people. He says that all of House's previous relationships were screwed up by him as if that was the intended goal. Thus, he gets House a suit and takes him out to a mixer so he can socialize with people. After scaring a guy with the phrases "Hi," "I'm gay," and "That's my lover, but he's also my psychiatrist," he runs into the Piano girl. She suggests that the intimate things he shares with people should actually be true. But instead they play around and pretend to be cheating lovers or something like that... Towards the end of the party, Nolan approaches House and asks him if he's having fun. Looks like the assignment was just for House to see whether he could try to trust anyone rather than doing just that. Piano girl sits with him and tells him that Annie was her best friend before she started pulling away from everyone. She partly married her husband because he was the only one who knew what she was going through. She misses Annie very much, but her husband stopped visiting several years ago. She gives House a kiss goodnight and the next day, he's talking about it with Nolan. In an effort to deflect, House asks Nolan about his lady friend. But Nolan deflects right back, stating that the kiss is something big for House and that's why he's so freaked out about it. Also, we finally get the damn girl's name! Lydia!

Visiting hours! And Lydia walks in. House doesn't hesitate to ask why she kissed him and she replies that she likes him, thus it was a nice way of showing it. The answer seems good enough and he turns to play the piano. Suddenly the door opens and it's a nurse wheeling in Steve all bruised up and bandaged. House schedules a session with Nolan and they focus on why House values his failures more than his successes. Nolan tells House that he isn't God, he's just a screwed up human being like everyone else. If he needs to apologize to Steve for what happened, do it, and move on. Let yourself feel better and keep feeling better. House approaches Steve but is interrupted because of Group time.

During Group, Dr. Beasley makes an announcement. They're going to have a talent show in 2 weeks. She tries to talk to Steve who sits motionless and stares towards the nurse's office. House realizes something. Steve is staring after a music box (which is probably what he meant earlier when he said they stole her "voicebox"). Dr. Beasley lets an orderly unlock the door and House tells him to grab the blue music box on the top shelf. He takes it over to Steve and believes that if Steve somehow reaches out to Annie, Steve would be curing himself. But Steve sits motionless... House starts yelling at him when he doesn't respond and Dr. Nolan shows up to tell House that he's not moving on like he's supposed to. Instead, he's trying to "fix."

Lydia is back with some new sheet music House is supposed to be excited about but instead he asks her what's going on with them. She claims they're just having fun and even if it ends and someone gets hurt, it doesn't mean the beginning has to. Why not just enjoy themselves? You'd think this would be House's dream girl but he isn't having it and tells her goodbye. The next day in group, he's back to his usual jack ass self until Suit guy comes in with a day pass for House. Turns out Nolan let him out for a consult for none other than Nolan Sr. But House's instinct is to psychoanalyze Nolan who is clearly upset that his father is dying. When his antics don't work, House just takes a seat. Later when he comes back to the ward, he finds Lydia crying in a dark corner. He apologizes and says he tends to push people away when he's scared. But she tells him he's not the reason she's crying. She's upset because she feels pathetic in bringing Annie the cello as if she'll magically start talking again. He comforts her with a slow dance and the next thing you know they're about to do it in a hospital room somewhere. I wanna yell out and scream NOOOO DAMMIT!! SHE'S MARRIED AND YOU LOVE CUDDY!!!!! But I guess they don't hear me coz they continue getting it on. ::look away with disgust::

Talent Show time and we see the Macarena, a song number by 3 clearly crazy dudes, and a surprisingly good step number. Juan Alvarez aka Alvie is up and despite everyone's earlier suggestions that he should write lyrics down, he decides he can improvise the whole thing. He's wrong. He forgets the words and almost freaks out until House helps him out with finishing his lines. This turns Alvie's solo act into a duo and together they bring down the Hizz-ous!

Nolan session again and House admits he's actually starting to feel better. He's not cured, but he's good. Hmm... am I supposed to believe that all House needed was a little nookie?!!? UGH. Anyway, apologize to Steve Take 2... This time House manages to say everything he's supposed to and even takes initiative to wheel Steve over for Meds time. They pass by Annie and Steve makes a motion with the music box still in his hand. House backs up the wheelchair and Annie finally moves and takes the music box from Steve. She even utters the words "thank you," and Steve also snaps out of his own trance to say, "you're welcome." Nolan witnesses this miracle from afar. Later, when Lydia arrives for visiting hours, House is waiting for her and takes her hand telling her he has a surprise. Inside the rec room is Annie, beautifully playing the cello for everyone to hear. Fast forward to Annie's re-birthday and House doesn't look as happy as everyone else. He comes to Nolan's office and doesn't understand how Annie is all of a sudden free to leave after being mute for so long. But Nolan tells him that she's actually going to a rehab clinic in Arizona-- where her family is moving to.

House requests an overnight pass and Nolan tells him he knows where House wants to go but that he hasn't thought this through. They should at least sit and talk about it first. But House just wants the pass. He pays Lydia a visit at her home. A little boy opens the door before Lydia herself shows up. She tells him that her husband's headquarters is in Phoenix and that they'd been planning to move for awhile had it not been for Annie's condition. Now that she's at least talking, they can go ahead with the relocation. House tells her he doesn't want her to go. She admits she doesn't want to, but that she cant leave her children. She's sorry she didn't come to say good bye but she felt things would have just ended in a perfect way. Or at least I think that's what she meant by her German broken English accent. Bitch.

House returns to the ward and waits for Nolan by his car. When Nolan arrives, House tells him that Lydia's left and now he feels lost. Nolan tells House that he's going to write the letter of recommendation House needs to practice medicine again. House tells him that's not the best way to console a person-- by giving them a lollipop of some sort. But Nolan says that 2 very important things just happened. One, House got hurt-- which means he's connected enough with another person to care and openly miss them. Secondly, and perhaps more importantly, House recognized the pain and came to Nolan to talk about it rather than hiding from it with a Vicodin bottle. The next day, it's House's re-birthday. They all wish him well, he gives roomie Alvie a big hug, and then throws his face into his own cake. He walks out to the free world as Alvie watches him from their old room. Alvie, being inspired, walks over to the nurse's office and finally asks for his meds. He's ready to get better too.

***WOW. that was 2 hours and I feel like I myself spent a shitload of days in rehab after that episode. Excellent season opener, almost like a made for TV movie. But now let's get to the real issues... Who's taken over House's position? How are Chase and Cameron's marriage doing? Are Foreman and Thirteen still together? When will she finally die? Oops, did I say that out loud? And lastly, I canNOT wait for the HUDDY reunion!!!!!!!!***

One Tree Hill S7E2: WTF... LOL... OVER IT! MOMENTS

WTF Moments - Dan is married to Rachel?!?! Ewww.... They we're like kissing! Apparently, she's now the love of his life-- having also experimented with deceit, drugs, etc. but now.. she's turned her life around, just as he has. Together they make a marketable product for Redemption-- something Rachel is primarily interested in. Forgiveness sells... and she makes sure of it by advertising through YouTube.

- Nathan DID?! sleep with the blonde, road chick! And just so there's no way he can deny it... she sends him a copy of her sonogram via Clayton to prove it! Yup, that girl is 3 months preggo! Can you say...Fuuuuuuuuuuuucccckk?!!? We end the episode with him getting ready to tell Haley all about his indiscretion. =(

LOL Moments - While Haley deals with a serious corporate label bitch named Miranda, she starts acting out a situation where she must tell Peyton & Lucas that the label's being shut down. Her impersonations of Pucas are soooo accurate!! From Peyton's would be facials to Lucas' nervous scratching of his head! Later, when she brings in Mia as successful leverage to convince Miranda not to close them down, she also does a nice little swagger walk while asking "who's the bitch now, bitch?" Hee.

- Dan approaches a homeless man by a dumpster and tries to offer him words of wisdom along with his own book. He tries to be all inspirational... talking about feeling happy for a little while vs. being happy for the rest of your life. I just about died when all the homeless man says is:"Ay what yo name is, man?" I swear, I nearly fell out of my chair laughing.

- Millie and Brooke have their hands full with a snooty, fake, fresh outta rehab actress who's supposed to be the new face of Clothes Over Bros. While brainstorming ideas on how to get rid of her, Brooke hilariously suggests they tell her the company's gone bankrupt. Or if that doesn't work, they should start speaking Spanish in an effort to confuse the ingenue into leaving on her own. When the actress comes out of the bathroom, Brooke actually starts speaking Spanish! Something, something cerveza was all I got out of it, but it shows Sophia Bush's real comedic charm. She also refers to Julian's movie poster of A Thin Red Line as the "ugly army man poster." Hee.

OVER IT!!

- Skillz and Mouth are still doing their naked standoff.

- Julian's dad shows up and thinks love with a promiscuous fashion designer is a dumb move. A successful film career would be better. Uh yeah, we had to deal with Victoria ALL last season. ENOUGH with the fucked up parents!! Even Dan seems to have found a new path!

Gossip Girl S3E2 Mini-Recap: i love college... not!

Oh... the first day of college. So exciting, so full of hope... or if you're like me.... College is a fucking bitch. You need to meet new people, join clubs, find out where you fit in, blah blah blah... What it really is, is a reality check. It's the MAN's idea, society... telling you it's time to grow up and be somebody. That's otherwise known... as Bullshit.

Serena decides going to Brown wouldn't be her choice and just something to do to please her mom. She acts like a dumbass... first sabotaging Chuck's business plan after he tells Rufus about her lack of direction (which he did out of general concern). Then, she insults Rufus by telling him he's more scared of her mom than she is, only to come back and admit she really has been fucking up. Rufus, being the nice guy that he is, wants to help her and hopes that he can really be there for Eric and Serena. He doesn't wanna be just another of Lily's husbands. Lastly, S apparently keeps calling Carter not because he's a bad habit, but because he understands her like no one else. So they kiss and make up.

Blair tries out the dorming thing despite Chuck's warnings and finds out Georgina is her new roommate with Vanessa just down the hall. NYU is like her WORST nightmare. Keg parties, rooftop raucous, documentary movies, greasy pizza.... Dan Humphrey is the popular guy on campus! Yes, it's all very frightening. She tries several times to sabotage Georgina, who seems to be faring better than her, but fails. I hate seeing our Queen B so down, but the only upside is that at the end of the episode, she visits Chuck and hops into his bed to snuggle. Hee! Together they lay side by side, eyes closed and she asks him if he's ok. He responds, "i am now." ::Shrieks of Joy::

Dan and Vanessa try to be friends again after their whole "you're rich now and i'm still a boring Brooklyn girl" fight from last episode. Vanessa befriends Georgina and is dating Scott (aka Dan's half brother). Dan is doing pretty well for himself since he's already a famous published writer. He joins a writer's group and quickly finds a following. But just goes to show, even smart boys screw up since he hooks up with Georgina. Yuk.

Nate apparently hasn't started school yet and is still having a secret relationship with Bree Buckley. They decide to stay in for 24 hrs in an effort to fast forward their whole relationship since they cant actually be together. After the 24 hrs though, she feels like this could be more than a fling, so she tells her parents, but things look to be rocky in the future since their families hate each other.

Heroes Premiere Commentary: Redemption huh? We'll see about that.

The latest volume of Heroes is titled: Redemption. Yeah... Let's effin hope so. After last season's upsets, (like killing off Elle & ending with Matt Parkman mind powering Sylar into thinking he's Nathan!) I was ready to swear off this show. But hell, if I'm giving Melrose Place 2.0 a chance, I should give this show one too. Here's what our "Heroes" find themselves doing after 6 months...

Claire is at college and the first thing I notice is her jean jacket doesn't match her jeans. That's so annoying. She's apparently been paired up with the roommate from hell--a peppy, psycho bitch from hell who hates on teddy bears and has a full "trajectory" life plan mounted on her wall. She also likes to hog Guitar Hero and thinks Claire could really benefit from "bettering herself." I sort of wanna stab her in the eye but she actually ends up jumping out a window and killing herself, or does she? Claire thinks it coulda been murder and is egged on by another girl she meets at school, Gretchen-- who happens to recognize her name from the Texas Cheerleader Massacre in Season 1. I personally think Gretchen is a little too excited about all things murder, so it doesn't help that she catches Claire falling out of her own window to test a theory on whether her roommate actually jumped, fell, or was pushed out the window.

Ando and Hiro have set up a "saving lives" business titled "Dial A Hero." It appears Hiro spent a lot of money on a bizz that gets zero customers. His bitchy sister is conveniently there to tell him so. Is anyone else tired of this Japanese interplay?? Can't they just speak English already! To make this already uninteresting story worse, Ando harbors a big crush on the bitchy sister but she hates him. They're finally called out by their first client: a little girl whose cat is stuck on top of a building. After Hiro volunteers Ando to retrieve the feline and Ando falls, Hiro must use his freezing power to save the day. But after unfreezing time, something's wrong. Hiro can't seem to wake up/snap out of the time and space he just unfroze. Ando has to take him via dolly back to their building. Hiro finally comes into consciousness and admits he's seen a doctor about those nosebleeds: he's dying. Ando asks Hiro to simply go back in time and change the "moment this all began" so that he doesn't have to die. Apparently, this "moment" occurred on a night at a carnival 14 yrs ago, where a fortune teller told Hiro he'd be a hero. But Hiro swears he's sworn off going back in time. Damn.. I was hoping he could go back in time and change Heroes Seasons 2 & 3 while he's at it. Anyhow, Hiro somehow fucks up (like he always does) and ends up going back in time to the "moment" after all. To make a long story short, he meets the leader of the Carnis, Samuel (played by Teabag from Prison Break!) who has an agenda of his own and forces Hiro to change at least one thing from the past. Hiro chooses to prevent how his younger self bumped into Ando (fresh off the excitement about his hero news) causing Ando to spill his slushy all over the sister's favorite dress. This is supposed to explain bitchy sister's hate for Ando in the present?? When Hiro returns to the present time, sure enough Ando and the sister are now lovers and have been for years. And thus, Hiro is inspired ONCE AGAIN to screw with the past in an effort to "right all of his wrongs" since he's dying and all... yes, this must be his new mission. Dear Hiro, have we learned NOTHING from the past 2 seasons?!!? STOP TIME TRAVELING!!!!

Matt Parkman is trying his best to live the normal life. He's back with his wife, trying to be a good dad, and doing the usual police officer things. He's joined some sort of AA meeting thing where he talks about "not using." I'm sure he's referring to his powers and not actual alcohol or drugs, but the meeting people don't know that. After last season's finale, in which he forced Sylar into thinking he's Nathan, he's felt as if something really bad entered his mind, thus the staying away from any sort of mind control. Unfortunately, that something bad is Sylar himself, somehow stuck in Matt's subconscious. And he's pretty pissed that he's not in his own body. So, he taunts Matt. Calling him weak, not a man, being cheated on by his wife with the waterboy... things like that. Oh Sylar, you should be on Gossip Girl. Matt eventually caves and uses his power... on the poor waterboy, Roy of all people. Because in the end, Matt IS pretty weak and harbors jealousy towards a harmless waterboy that's been there for his wife and kid when he was busy in love with a certain super fast Blonde chic and playing house with Mohinder.

THE PETRELLIS: Mama Petrelli (Angela) is doing what she always does. Buggin. She's hassling Noah to hurry up and get the Company up and running again. She wants Matt Parkman to drop everything in his life to fix whatever is malfunctioning with Nathan/Sylar. She has Nathan/Sylar meet her in a Sushi restaurant clear across town and she's probably trying to bug Peter too, but he hasn't had time to return her calls. Nathan/Sylar feels...different. Invincible... Wants to be a Better Man... Sometimes he's looking back at his memories and can feel they're not really his. In short, he feels very unlike himself. Because he's Sylar!! He even experiences some of Sylar's powers and is freaked out. He tries to call Peter for help but Peter isn't returning his calls either. Peter, is busy busy busy.... back at his old paramedic job, but still using special powers when no one's watching. He actually helps a pregnant woman in a car accident by opening with "Hi, i'm here to save you." God Complex much? He saves newspaper clippings of the people he saves and knows all their names. He constantly listens to a radio for accidents when he's not on the job and takes double, even triple shifts. It's all a bit too OCD.

EVERYONE ELSE

Noah Bennett is feeling pretty shitty after losing his family, losing his job, and losing the focus of the show for the past two seasons. Denco turns out to be his savior, when Traci Strauss vengefully goes after him via car-drowning. Denco wants to make an alliance: together they kill Traci before she kills them. But Noah refuses, since he wants to help Traci (fresh off the guilt for "bagging and tagging" heroes for years and not helping a single one of them). When Traci pays him a visit, he claims he can make Denco forget about her. She doesn't buy it, but Noah keeps his word by using the Haitian (!) on Denco. Later, when Traci pays Denco a visit and finds he really has forgotten about her and who she is, she spares his life. Too bad someone was already there to take him out before her. He's quickly cut up by another member of the Carnis. This Slicer guy tries to slice up Tracy after she walks in and witnesses the murder, but he cant coz she's all Aquawoman and can't be sliced. She tries to freeze him, he freaks out, and leaves. She calls Noah and explains what happened. Noah digs into Denco's gut and finds... a key.

Noah then enlists Peter to be his muscle before going to the bank and finding out what's in a safe deposit box that could've caused someone to kill Denco so violently. What they find is a compass that only works when Peter is holding it. (I'm assuming this is Samuel's dead brother Joseph's compass and he was one of Denco's unfortunate targets from last season) Slicer guy shows up on the scene. Him and Peter fight after Peter conveniently takes his knife slicing power. But after Slicer guy takes off, Peter tells Noah he wants out. He'd rather save lives than be around innocent people getting killed. Noah respects his choices, but reminds him to call his mother and they part ways. Later, when Peter responds to another radio call, he finds himself face to face with a sliced up Noah. Still alive but without the compass. In the hospital, all cut up and sad, Noah calls Traci and what follows is... a bit of romance?? They talk about not wanting to be alone and share clam chowder. Cute.

No sign of Mohinder. Maybe he's done us all a favor and returned to India.

The Carnis
- We open with them burying someone they've lost: Joseph
- Their leader is Samuel-- who likes to paint very lifelike tattoos on other people.
- One of those people... is Lydia-- who has a pretty back and seems to able to identify anyone drawn on her.
- They send Slicer guy out to kill Denco.
- They also have an interest in the past and changing it.
- They have a strong emphasis on family.
- Their time traveler is an old man hooked onto an IV (guess he's dying too)
- They want to "gather the rest" of the Heroes.

So do I think this season has a chance? Well... Let's hope they don't dive into yet another time-traveling centered story. Less of Hiro being stupid. More of Noah Bennett's road to redemption even if it does involve a romantic relationship with Traci. The whole Nathan/Sylar secret has got to come out sooner rather than later. No more ridiculous, unnecessary new characters (i.e. Maya, Monica Dawson, Caitlin--to name a few). AND THEN, I just might be happy.

The 61st Primetime Emmy Awards Commentary: Uh, I'll be honest. Only read if ur bored.

8:01 NPH!! Dr. Horrible!! Looking dapper and singing! Niiice!

8:06 Kanye joke! "Hopefully Kanye likes 30 Rock."

8:09 Being thoroughly entertained by this Comedy reel.

8:12 All the supporting actress nominees for Comedy Series are donning glasses... except Vanessa Williams! Coz her part in the whole bit is that she's too glam for that shit. Which is why she's awesome. Kristin Chenoweth wins!! [Go Glenda!] She's cute, crying, and in the midst of it all promoting her interest in shows such as The Office and Mad Men.

8:14 Cat Deeley! She announces the nominees for Breakthrough Moment on TV (viewers get to vote!). Nominees include... Chuck says I Love You to Blair!!! (that's my choice!), True Blood-the scene where the lovers first meet, and American Idol-Kris Allen wins.

8:21 It's Willow! Jason Segal! and the rest of How I Met Your Mother cast

8:22 Matt Hubbard for 30 Rock wins for Best Writing in a Comedy Series-- big surprise there.

8:24 Someone won the best seats in the house but its behind two Harlem Globetrotters. Yeah... that joke was lost on me too.

8:26 Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series... this is a hard one... the winner is.. Jon Cryer!? Really!??! WTF!? Against NPH, Tracy Morgan, Rainn Wilson???! Do people really watch Two and A Half Men?!

8:33 Justin Timberlake!!! Ooooh Weeeee!! Cute nerdy glasses. He's presenting for Outstanding Lead Actress in a Comedy Series. Funny girls turn him on. Justin, call me, I'm funny, I swear.

8:35 Toni Collette wins and I'm sure she deserves it. She's a great character actress though I don't ever really watch anything she's been on, except Little Miss Sunshine and Emma. Sidenote: Sarah Silverman was hilarious donning a mustache.

8:38 Gossip Girls Serena and Blair!!! To announce the Outstanding Guest Actor & Actress on a Comedy series awards. JT and Tina Fey win!!

8:42 Serena Vanderwoodsen stutters as she announces the winner for Best Director in a Comedy Series

8:48 Senator McCalister aka Rob Lowe is presenting for Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy Series. The nominees are Alec Baldwin, Steve Carell, Jemaine Clement, Jim Parsons, Tony Shalhoub, Charlie Sheen.

8:51 Alec Baldwin is the winner! He thanks Lorne Michaels. Damn, Tina Fey and JT thanked him too. I need to call him for a job.

8:54 Sort of dumbfounded by that Family Guy bit in which Stewie beats the crap out of Brian, the dog.

8:55 Its the reality TV reel. AKA all the crazy, insipid, ridiculous people who make TV look bad.

8:56 Dancers perform a dance to that damn "On Top of the World" song.

8:58 Best Host in a Reality Series. I can't believe Cat Deeley isn't nominated. Jeff Probst wins for Survivor. I could care less.

9:07 Award for Best Reality Competition Program goes to... The Amazing Race. I get up and go pee because they win this damn award every year.

9:09 Movies and Miniseries reel. I haven't seen any of them. I'm ashamed.

9:12-9:15 Kevin Bacon and Kyra Sedgewick announce Outstanding Supporting Actor & Actress in a Miniseries. The lady from that movie the Lake House wins. She played a doctor. Shoreh Agda-something. Outstanding Supporting Actor in a miniseries goes to Ken Howard-- who makes the second Kanye joke. "...I'm hoping I wont be interrupted by a Senator or Rapper."

9:22 Chandra Wilson and Kate Walsh announce the nominees for Outstanding Lead Actor. Brendan Gleeson wins! That's Mad-Eye Moody to you Harry Potter fans!

9:26 Jennifer Love Hewitt & Patricia Arquette present for Outstanding Writing in a Miniseries. Emmy goes to Andrew Davies for Little Dorrit! Never heard of it but That's the writer of Bridget Jones Diary! Outstanding Director in a Miniseries goes to.. Dearbhla Walsh for Little Dorrit also wins! Sorry, I don't know her at all.

9:30 People are going to tell us how the ballots are tallied. But... We're interrupted by Dr. Horrible!!!! YES!!!!!!!! AWESOME!!!!!! He's righteously hijacked television! And a hilarious blog about how the internet is taking over TV ensues. That might have been the most exciting thing we see tonight.

9:33 Alec Baldwin presents Outstanding Lead Actress in a Miniseries. The Emmy goes to... Jessica Lange for Grey Gardens!

9:36 Jessica Lange thanks co-star Drew Barrymore and when cut to a shot of her, we see the awesome Justin Long. Guess they're officially back together.

9:42 Outstanding Made for TV Movie goes to Grey Gardens. I think I'll be looking for this Miniseries online tonight.

9:45 Outstanding Miniseries goes to Little Dorritt. Add that to my list.

9:47 Variety Reel opens with the SNL clip of Tina Fey and Amy Poehler doing Hilary Clinton and girllllllll

9:50 Award for Outstanding Direction in a Variety, Music, or Comedy Show goes to Bruce Gowers for American Idol.

9:52 Writing for the same category nominees are creatively announced by Billy Crystal, Facebook, and clunker vehicles among other things. The Emmy goes to The Daily Show.

10:33 Angel and that other Vampire from True Blood announce the nominees for Guest Actor and Actress. Ellen Burstyn and Michael J Fox win and are going to present for Best Director in a Dramatic Series. Winner is....Rod Holcom for ER. Boo.. BSG didn't win.

10:35 Writing for a Drama Series. If this doesn't go to Lost--- MOTHER FUCKIN SHIT! It went to Mad Men. UGh... I can't even be that mad at it since I watch Mad Men too!

10:39 Simon Baker presents for Outstanding Lead Actress in a Drama. Glenn Close, Sally Fields, Mariska Hargitay, Holly Hunter, Elizabeth Moss, Kyra Sedgwick. Emmy goes to Glenn Close. I'm still surprised Elizabeth Moss was nominated.

10:41 Again, where the hell is Elizabeth Mitchell's nomination for playing Juliet?!!?

10:49 Outstanding Lead Actor in Drama series goes to Bryan Cranston for Breaking Bad. I'm sorry but I've never heard of it. Jon Hamm and Hugh Laurie had my vote.

10:51 The last two awards: Best Comedy and Best Drama Series [Thank god, it's almost over.]

10:52 Bob Newhart is presenting and talking about kissing Tina Fey. That sounds creepy to me. Stop! I love you Bob Newhart!

10:54 Bob Newhart is finally showing the nominees. Comedy is first. The Emmy goes to.... 30 Rock. Oh god, does this mean a kiss from Tina Fey? Thankfully, no. I've realized I don't care anymore. Move on to the Outstanding Drama series!

10:56 Oh wait! Breakthrough Moment goes to.... True Blood? FAIL. I'm tempted to turn off this TV but I've made it this far... Might as well see who wins the last award. Commercial Break?! Fuuccckkk.... Bejeweled time!

11:00 Final Award presented by Sigourney Weaver. Nominees are: Big Love, Breaking Bad, Damages, Dexter, House, Lost, Mad Men. I better not be disappointed. Mad Men wins!!!! I'm ok with that. One of the Three I voted for.

11:03 Thank God it's over.

The Beautiful Life Premiere & Commentary: It's sooo Hard to be Pretty.

Intro: We start with Fashion Week 2009 and there's a Zac Posen show going on. Behind the scenes is a new girl. It's her first show and u can tell by the sad, worried look on her face. Another girl, who seems to be pro, is taking advantage & telling her things like "break a heel" and "be careful not to trip on ur Jimmy Choos." They're about to walk the runway when Mr. Posen himself stops the new girl and is like, "Ew, we can't let this one go out there like this." Hmm. She looks fine to me? The pro model apparently looks perfect and is free to walk while New Girl is being "fixed." All they do is take off a choker and turn it into a belt and then I guess, crisis averted. Yes, her throat size seems to be equated with her waist. Lemme go start my bulimia now. She pauses for a second before going on the runway and you think maybe she's gonna puke (oops, bad joke for the bulimic girls), but she actually enters some sort of model-yes-this-is-what-i-live-for, Sasha Fierce mode and struts like she's been doing it all her life. While she's doing her fierce walk, the stage coordinator gets a call. She tells Posen we have a problem. It's Sonja. Cut to... Mischa Barton in a taxi stuck in traffic claiming she can't control the weather. She more or less hangs up on whoever she's speaking to on the phone and tells the cab driver to hurry up. Then, she pops some presciption pills. Predictable, right? I like her dark nail polish though. On the radio, someone is saying that Sonja Stone is rumored to NOT be at her returning fashion show after a 6-month disappearance. Back to the New Girl who's just finished her first walk on the runway and she's all smiles. She's joined by other models: a long haired guy that looks like Adrian Brody, a brunette guy with too much hairspray, and Marissa (the bitch that was taunting her earlier). Oh and Corbin Bleu. Yes, as a model. Really?! Yes. I know, I don't see it either with that wild Justin Guarini hair and all, yuk. They're all talking shit now about Sonja but New Girl
(who's all modest, naive, and clearly going to be eaten alive by the sin, sex, drugs, and rock n roll of the modeling world) is all, "do any of you actually know her?" Meanwhile, somewhere in a restaurant near Bryant Park, there's a handsome Mid-westerner vacationing with his family and making cute eyes with the waitress. He's accompanied by a little sister, a proud Mom, and a cheap-o Dad who won't tip the waitress because he had to wait 2 hours for his over-cooked porkchop. He mumbles some shit about hard work for the next 3 harvests and the handsome son thanks his hard-ass father for lunch. Back to the Posen show and Sonja's finally arrived. She walks in like she's the shit and asks for her dress. Handsome boy is now giving the waitress her tip, adding a bullshit story about how his dad forgot to include it in the bill. He's walking off when he overhears another customer bitching about the wait and making some comment about mail-order waitresses. What a douche, right? Handsome boy tells the Douche if he walked a mile in her (the waitress') shoes, he'd be more compassionate or some thing of that lame, Mid-western nature, I guess. The Douche squints his eyes at the Handsome do-gooder and a light bulb goes off! Hey, that geek is kinda good looking! Sonja isn't happy with the dress and its fit, thus refusing to wear it. The stage coordinator tells Zac it's about his design and not the girl, while Marissa unabashedly volunteers to wear it. But Zac picks Raina (New Girl) instead. Marissa and Sonja are both equally baffled that some new bitch is taking their glory. At the same time, Douchebag catches up with Clark Kent (Handsome Midwestern) and asks him his name. Apparently, the Douche is a modeling agent who makes beautiful people very rich. Um... Paging Mr. Douchebag! My address is... Anyway, the kid's name is Chris Andrews and he's from Iowa. Again, predictable. Douche asks him if he's ever done any modeling, and Chris is all speechless for stupid, dramatic effect. It's a simple question, Iowa boy! And back at the Posen show, Raina has a real orgasmic moment by being the show's finale. She's in a beautiful red dress, there's petals falling from the sky, camera flashes going off everywhere, people clapping... It's like a model's wet dream. Finally... Opening Credits.

The rest of the episode:

- Chris and Raina bump into each other like most doomed TV couples do and share a moment. She even rolls up his sleeves and untucks his shirt before his first ever "go-see." She saves him again when he's all awkward during his first photoshoot by switching his Sweet Home Alabama music to some cool r&b and making him imagine himself in the shower. Yeah, I'm so gonna try that the next time I pose for a picture. Later, after his first day of modeling turns out to be a disaster, she even offers her floor for him to sleep on. Cute.

- Raina has a brother with a bad haircut who tracks her down. She also has a dad who's getting out of the slammer soon and her mom still sets a place for her at the table... meaning our new It Girl is a runaway. Bro tries to convince her to go home but she'd rather take her chances in NYC. In spite of her bubbly, naive, almost too good to be true outlook on life, it appears she's actually one of the really beautiful people. Both inside and out. She even sends Sonja flowers and note saying she's here for her. {too bad Sonja just threw the flowers into an old photo of herself when she was on top} Oh well, thought that counts, right? Raina also blackmails a photographer to give Sonja the new Versace shoot everyone wants to be a part of.

- Chris finds out The Douchebag agent, named Simon, is sort of gay and hitting on him while also pimping out his new modeling career. He punches Simon in the face while meeting some important people because Simon actually grabs his butt like its his personal property. To everyone's surprise, he actually lands the job despite the embarrassing altercation. But when Simon calls Chris, he's already getting cozy with Raina talking about this is the end of his modeling career and he'll be going back to Iowa in the morning. Hmm.. something tells me, this isn't so... Hey! I just had a thought! Is Chris supposed to like represent Ashton Kutcher's real life modeling experience, since he too came from the Mid-west?? He IS a producer on the show...

- Sonja isn't having a good first day back on the scene. And she may very well have disappeared for 6 months to go have a baby.

- Cole, another male model who thinks Elvis hair is still cool, seems to have a thing for Raina. Which will definitely make new boy Chris, his enemy.

- The Adrian Brody lookalike is the resident Drug guy. (Sorry, throughout the entire episode I didn't catch his name.) But he sold to the wrong girl at party and gets arrested soon after trying to leave with Marissa. Now that's one hell of a cockblock.

- Corbin Bleu plays a famous child model who can't seem to get any work after puberty. Now THAT is excellent type casting. Consequently, he's trying to get into the DJing scene but to no avail. So... he must settle for being a cougar's little bitch in an effort to make some good connections.

Afterthoughts: In short, it seems like an entertaining enough pilot. I'll definitely keep watching but here's 3 things that REALLY bugged. 1) There are WAY too many fuckin aerial, city shots of New York. Shit... I've seen this all before on Project Runway, The City, every other TV show based in New York... STOP IT! Everyone knows its a fashion capital and that's where the show is set. 2) After a chance meeting with a modeling agent & one photoshoot, Chris decides he's goin to stay in New York in order to try out the modeling thing. He has no place to live, no relatives, no friends... Hell, his mother hands him some money but it looks like a $20 bill. His dad thinks he's crazy, and frankly, so do i. How beliveable is his decision?!! We're in a recession, Farmboy! 3) Lastly, can someone PLEASE tell me why Mischa Barton can't act? For like shit?! I mean even playing a model seems hard for this girl and she used to do it in real life!!! Thankfully, Sara Paxton who plays Raina is good enough for me to overlook the other colorless blonde.