Thursday, September 10, 2009

Vampire Diaries Premiere Full Recap & Commentary

Creepy night scene. Owls are doing their owl noises and the moon is all white and eerie. Then we hear a voiceover. Apparently, someone's been hiding in the shadows all his life. But that is all about to change. Voiceover announces himself as a vampire. CUT TO couple driving home really late on an abandoned road. (how convenient for vampires) They're carrying on about how there should only be one James Blunt, until they're intercepted by lots of fog. "oh, this will pass" says boyfriend. And then...BAM! Someone's in the road and its all a la I Know What You Did Last Summer. The couple freaks out. Naturally. And the boyfriend tells girlfriend to call for help. He walks over to the injured body saying, "please be alive..." Sorry, boyfriend. You just hit a bloodsucking vampire. And sure enough, just as he approaches, ZIP ZIP BITE! Meanwhile the girlfriend, like blonde idiots always do when they panic, gets out of the car and starts yelling to Darren (who's prolly dead by now) that there is no signal to call for help. She notices he's not there and starts to call out for him. BAM! Darren's dead body falls onto the hood of the car complete with a bloody neck. She screams, she runs. Not far, of course because something picks her up. OPENING CREDITS

Voiceover claims he really shouldnt have come back but he just had to because he "has to know her." Then the boy who seems to own this voiceover jumps off a high roof and lands gracefully on the ground. Vampires never had this much aerodynamics on Buffy. So strange... Cut to really emo girl writing in her diary. I call it like I see it, because I was one of them in High School, so trust me, I know. Apparently, she has much to be emo about since she lost her parents and is known as the sad girl in town. Told you. She goes downstairs and is greeted by an Aunt and I think, brother? Probably doesn't matter much right now. Then she's on her way with another girl who seems to be her BFF. BFF is talking about how she had relatives from Salem and can predict things given she predicted Obama and Heath Ledger. Next, she believes Florida will become a little island of luxury within the next few years. Sweetie, that's not the gift of foresight. It's Geology. But it doesnt really matter what BFF is saying because Elena (emo girl) is spacing out. Then out of nowhere they hit something. Not a person but maybe a bird? or a Dog? or a speed bump? Again, doesn't matter. Just a way to let viewers know Elena lost her parents in a car accident. BFF makes one more prediction. This year is gonna be the best year ever. Oh dear... Elena, your friend just fucked you up for the next 13 episodes.

School Campus. Elena and BFF are hanging out by the lockers and spot a Blonde jock across the way. Elena waves, he just stares and walks off. Apparently, she dumped him and he's too proud to admit he's hurt and listening to Air Supply's Greatest Hits-- so says BFF. Then an extremely wholesome Blonde girl named Caroline gives Elena a big hug. Because you know, she lost her parents and is very emo. I'm sooo not caring about this scene. Thankfully, its over and we cut to Elena's brother who sells drugs and calls out douchebags like the Carson Daly wannabes that they are. Then sadly, back to Elena and BFF, now checking out a mysterious dude's backside. This guy is trying to enroll for classes but he has no transcripts or immunization records etc. (I totally remember all that crap paperwork I had to fill out back in the day.) Mysterious sexy back guy takes off his stunner shades and looks the schoolworker in the eyes and says, "no really bitch, all my info is there." Ok, maybe not in those exact words but he does essentially somehow hypnotize her with his sexy powers and next thing you know, he's all good to go. Outside the room, Elena's BFF is trying to predict if the guy is really hot or not when Elena spots lil bro heading into the bathroom. She quickly follows as he is putting in eye drops. Guess Lil Bro Jeremy has been getting stoned and acting out. Elena explains she's given him a free pass over the summer but now she's done watching him destroy himself. She even promises to be a buzzkill every time if he chooses to continue. And.... a buzzkill she is! Since Jeremy says he "doesnt need this" and walks out. She takes a minute before walking out after him... providing just enough time for the mystery guy to walk out, validate BFF's prediction that he is indeed a hottie, and run straight into her. What follows is the usual awkward, yet enjoyable "oops i bumped into you, oh my gosh, youre so cute, i'm totally into you right now, ok better go before i lose it" dance. They part ways but obviously, the damage is done. They're in love and dont even know it. Later in class, my thoughts are validated in that she peeks over at him, he's passionately staring at her, Blonde ex-boyfriend is looking at them, and BFF is texting Elena that she's got a real admirer. Oh High School love... I miss thee.

Some time later, Elena chooses the cemetary (of all places) to write about her day in her diary. She says that she's made it through the day. Also, that she told everyone she was fine but she really isnt, but it doesnt matter because when ppl ask how are you, they dont really want an answer. (if this girl channels anymore Peyton, i'm gonna start to hate her.) Then a black crow appears out of nowhere. (oh and he showed up earlier but i forgot to mention it, during the car ride to school.) Next, comes the eerie fog that came about before the earlier couple bit the big one. Elena must think the crow is causing the fog and starts shooing it away. When that doesn't work she gets her things and starts walking away (but into the woods? oh yeah, coz thats what all dumb girls do.) We see a male figure behind the fog and so does Elena coz she starts to hurry but trips. She looks back and then forward, and Mystery Guy is there, all calm, collected, and cool. She asks, "were u following me?" He replies, "no, i just saw you fall." (I feel like I've seen this all before...) We finally get his name, Stefan. And they have English and French together. Awesome. Coz I really needed to know that. They do some more small talk, before she compliments his ring. Family heirloom he's stuck with. He asks if she's hurt herself and I guess she really ate it when she tripped since her ankle is all bleeding. He turns his face, his eyes get all dark and vampire-y, remarks she should take care of it, and bounces without a trace.

Back at Casa de Stefan, he's writing in his diary. (god, they're so made for each other.) He writes that he pretty much screwed up today. That all his feelings he's kept buried resurfaced. And the trigger is Elena. So... does this mean he's BEEN checking her out from like a long time ago? Camera pans out to reveal that in his possession is her diary. CUT TO some bar/grill hangout place and Jeremy is trying to hit on one of his earlier female customers-- who happens to date douchebag Carson Daly wannabe (later dubbed Tyler), who happens to be friends with Elena's Ex. Apparently, drug customer girl is Elena's Ex's little sister. Jeremy continues to follow her around like a little puppy and she tells him so. He fires back, "you dont have sex with a little puppy." Niiice. Jeremy isn't afraid to tell the world that she's deflowered him over and over again over the summer. She says it was a drunken/drugged out haze and totally over. Hee. I totally dig these two more than the main characters. Elsewhere in the grill, Caroline is telling Elena's BFF that she knows all about Stefan and that they've already planned a June wedding. Funny how white girls claim their male property.

Back at Casa de Elena, she's getting ready to go out to the bar/grill place as Auntie warns her not to stay out too late on a school night. She opens the door and there's Stefan. He apologizes for his disappearing act and returns her diary. He claims not to have read it because he wouldnt ever want anyone to read his. Elena practically wets herself at the thought that someone is as emo as her. After an awkward moment in which Stefan stands outside the doorway (bc I think Elena didnt officially invite him in - Vampire Rules 101), he asks her if she's headed out. She admits she's going to meet a friend and invites him to come along.

Back at the bar/grill place, BFF is sitting with Ex-Boyfriend, named Matt. He asks about Elena: first about how she's doing, and second, if she ever asks about him. BFF says she doesnt wanna get in the middle and that Elena probably just needs a little time. Enter Elena with hot new boy, Stefan in tow. Burn, Matt, burn! Caroline and Tyler look from afar as Matt tries to be the bigger man and walks over to Elena and Stefan. He introduces himself and all 3 awkwardly act like they've all been friends forever. Later, the girls are seated together and Caroline is grilling Stefan about his particulars. Turns out his parents are dead too. Elena asks if he has siblings and he says none that he talks to. Caroline mentions a party the following evening and after Stefan asks Elena if she'll be there, BFF answers "of course, she'll be there." Elena smiles. Stefan smiles. And I'm bored...

After this fun little outing, Stefan is back at home getting ready for bed when an older man walks in complaining about how Stefan "promised." He hands over the newspaper with pictures of the dead couple headlined by an animal mauling. Older guy says he knows how it works, that if u rip em apart enough, ppl will think its a mauling. And get this! He calls Stefan, UNCLE Stefan! Get it? Coz Stefan is prolly like hundreds of years old or something? Coz he's a vampire... Stefan claims he's under control and the dead couple has nothing to do with him. Stefan's nephew explains to him that Mystic Falls (thats the city) is different now but that some ppl might still remember. (So Stefan has been to Mystic Falls before...) Nephew adds that it was a mistake to come back here even if he has no answer for where Stefan belongs and leaves. Stefan is left to open a locked bureau of journals dated back to yesteryear. He pulls out one of them and opens it. Inside is an old school photograph of a girl who looks just like Elena. Only her name is Katherine and the photo is dated 1864. Interesting....

Back in History Class, they're discussing the casualties of some important battle that went down in the town like hundreds of years ago. Obviously, no one in High School ever cares. For example, Elena's BFF doesn't know very much and the teacher rightly claims "cute becomes stupid" in an instant. (LOL.. reminds me of this girl i know...) Next, the teacher tries Mr. Donovan or Elena's Ex Boyfriend but he's fine with being a dumb jock stereotype and has nothing. Next the scary History teacher tries to pick on Elena, even mentioning that he was lenient to her last year but this year she needs to step up. Apparently, he doesnt care anymore that she's an orphan. Stefan finally saves the day by quoting the number of casualties, even adding some extra info that History Teacher doesn't know about. Way to shut up the authority, Stefan. After all, you were probably there when that shit went down.

CUT to party in the woods where teens are boozing and hooking up. Stefan uses his super vamp hearing powers to locate Elena coz he's not into any other teenyboppers. But then, he's intercepted by Caroline who wants to offer him a drink. Back by the campfire, Elena and BFF are chatting about Stefan and Elena says its time to make some more predictions. She picks up a beer bottle for BFF to use as her crystal ball and when they both hold the bottle, Bonnie (i finally know her name!) gets all weird and creepy and says she sees a crow and fog when she touches Elena's hand. Maybe the girl DOES have powers! But Bonnie says she's drunk and it all means nothing and walks away, leaving Elena stunned and Poof! Stefan is in front of her. (man those vamps just appear outta thin air!) He asks if there's something wrong since its obvious he just scared the shit out of her, again. But she's actually still thinkin about Bonnie's weird voodoo vision. She starts to explain but settles for telling him it doesnt matter because he's here now. Elsewhere at this woodland party, Jeremy sees his deflower-er girl walking off with Carson Daly wannabe guy. Elena is walking around with Stefan, telling him that he's the talk of the town being all new mystery guy. He tells her that she's actually a lil mysterious herself, "twinged with sadness." (Wow, u gotta know who the vamps are because a long, long time ago, men actually noticed things like emotions). She then tells him the reason for all her moodiness. Her parents died in a car crash that had the car running off the bridge and into the lake. She was in the back seat and survived. They didn't. Ah... guilty, much? But then Stefan, being the sweet vampire guy that he is, says: "you wont be sad forever, Elena."

...and deeper into the woods is Vicki and Tyler. (Jeremy's drug customer and her Carson Daly wannabe respectively) making out. Tyler seems to be in heat while she tries to ease him off. She doesn't wanna have sex on a tree. Who can blame her? Jeremy comes walking by just as Tyler begins to lose his patience. Jeremy tells Tyler to get away from her. Jeremy is getting on Tyler's nerves, but Vicki tells Tyler to get lost. Finally! Tyler leaves, but not before saying, "Vicki Donovan says no. That's a first." Very classy, Tyler. Such a gentleman you are. Who wouldn't want you? Vicki tells Jeremy she didn't need his help. He says it looks like she did. Vicki says Tyler is just drunk and Jeremy's all, "i'm drunk, am i throwing myself at you?" She says: "no, worse." Because in her opinion, she thinks Jeremy wants to get to know her, look into her soul, and screw and screw and screw. Vicki dear. You're an idiot.

Back to the main lovebirds... who are talking about Elena's circle of friends. Stefan mentions Bonnie is great and Matt cant seem to take his eyes off them. Shot of Matt from afar with Caroline watching like hawks. Elena explains that Matt's been a friend since childhood and that they started dating because you feel like you owe it to yourself to see if there's something there. Guess there wasn't, since her parents died and it just became clear that their togetherness wasnt passionate enough. Elena's creaming in her pants again at how brilliantly Stefan seems to finish her sentences when his eyes get all vampire-y again and he asks her if she wants a drink and bones out.

Stupid girl Vicki is wandering (deeper into the woods like the idiot that she is) and fog starts to appear. I wanna yell, "Run bitch, run," but instead she turns around and thinks its Jeremy. When all she sees is more fog, she turns (towards the woods again! wtf!) and we see a man standing a few feet away, looking at her like the easy lay (pun, intended) that she is. Turn one more time and she comes face to face with her hunter...and all we hear is a scream.

Back at party central, Elena is looking for Stefan but can't seem to find him. Matt comes up to her and is all, "what's up, I thought you broke up with me coz you needed time to deal with your dead parents." She has no answer and he says that she can do whatever she needs to do but he still believes in them and he's not giving up on her and walks off. Poor Matt. Stefan who's been watching from afar is about to approach Elena but is intercepted again by Caroline. Can this bitch get a clue already?! And just like that, Stefan tells her she's had too much to drink and with him, it's never gonna happen. Awesome. Thank you, Stefan. He finally gets over to Elena but she spots that lil bro Jeremy is drunk and stumbling. She goes after him. He's walking into the woods and she yells out where the hell is he going? Like the drunk pro that he is, yells back he doesnt wanna hear it and trips over something. The something is Vicki, on the floor bleeding from her neck. They run back to party central and everyone is freaking out. Elena says, she's losing a lot of blood and something must have bit her. Stefan watches through the flames and starts to freak out. His face says it all. Meaning his face says, "I am so... fucked." Just in time for Matt to see him leaving the party in a suspicious manner. Stefan rushes home and tells his uncle er-- nephew Zach, that someone else has been attacked, and it wasn't him doing the biting. He goes up to his room and notices the window open. That infamous black crow comes flying in and a man appears. Stefan turns and says, "Damon." Damon says, "Hello Brother."

Later, during a nice little catching up convo between the two brothers, we learn that Damon doesn't like the grunge look of the 90s, small towns, and fads. Stefan mentions big mistake in leaving Vicki alive, but Damon points out that isn't likely his problem as it is Stefan's. What is Damon doing here? says Stefan and Damon throws the question back in his face. And follows up with the fact that Stefan's reason can be summed up into one word, Elena. Man, this girl is popular.

Meanwhile, back at the scene of the crime, they actually called animal control and we see Vicki being carted off into an ambulance. Matt looks pissed. Elena is telling Bonnie she needs to take Jeremy home. Bonnie then looks at her all serious and says she knows she's not really psychic but whatever she saw today or thinks she felt, its just the beginning. Damon is telling Stefan what a beauty Elena is and how she's a dead ringer for Katherine. He asks Stefan if its working, being in her world. Stefan says, Elena is not Katherine and Damon says, let's hope not, since that ended pretty badly. Damon proceeds to try and get Stefan's adrenaline up and it works after he suggests they go bite a few girls or even Elena herself. They fight, crash out of the second story window, and onto the front lawn. Damon says, "I promised you an eternity of misery so I'm just keeping my word." What an honorable man, huh? I guess this has been going on for 15 years. Stefan implores Damon to leave Elena alone, but Damon points out Stefan's special ring isn't on his finger. Once the sun comes up in a few hours, "ashes to ashes." ::snicker:: Damon's an ass but a witty one. He returns the ring and then grabs Stefan and throws him a few feet into a wall. Stefan is a fool to think he's stronger than Damon since he lost that battle when he chose to stop feeding on people.

Back in the woods, Jeremy and big sis are having a heart to heart. Elena urges Jeremy to cut his crap and move on since the rest of the world has and they wont be cutting him any more breaks. He tells her he's seen her writing in her diary in the cemetary of all places so she's one to talk. In a diner somewhere is Bonnie and Caroline trying to sober up. Caroline is upset and is asking why the guys she goes for never want her. Elena doesn't even try and she always gets picked and says the right thing. Oh give it a rest girl. Welcome to reality. Life's not fair. Bonnie says its not a competition and Caroline says, "uh yeah, it is." In the hospital, Matt is waiting by lil sis Vicki's bedside. She wakes up and tells him her attacker was a vampire.

Time for last montage. Elena is writing in her diary. Stefan is ruminating over his plan gone wrong to start anew. Jeremy is looking at a picture of his dead parents. Bonnie is paying the diner bill to reveal Damon sitting at a table a few feet away. Caroline and him make eye contact. Stefan pays Elena a visit and she finally officially invites him into the house.

No comments: