Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Melrose Place 2.0 Premiere FULL Recap

We begin with a racy, nightlife montage of Hollywood... For a second there, I thought I was watching an episode of The Hills. I anticipated this move. Waste no time and move straight to the sex, glitz, and glamour. More shots of booze and nightclubs before settling on a young blonde guy named David, who's hot and heavy with some lucky extra...until his phone starts blowing up. Apparently, there's some kind of emergency. He goes to the bar to tell another blonde Ella, that he needs to go but not before she teases him for being such a buzzkill. He hands her some cash to grab a cab, which she immediately uses to order more drinks. [Hmm.. I like her.] The next time we see David, he's barging into a restaurant kitchen to tell a brown-eyed brunette sou-chef Auggie (yes, that's a dude), that Sydney's in trouble and he has to comewith since he's the only one who knows how to deal with her when "she's acting up." Auggie is clearly busy with cooking and tells David to go on ahead without him and that if the situation escalates, he'll follow. David then makes a call while in his car to med student Lauren at the hospital who tells him if he finds Sydney passed out or worse, don't waste any time in calling her and instead call 911. David finally gets to 4616 Melrose and opens the door to Sydney's apartment. Only its void of the impending doom he thought he'd find. Instead, Syd is being oh so seductive. She makes a move on David but he tells her to stop. She explains she wants him. But apparently, that's all over. He starts to walk away when she says she doesn't understand why he's being so reluctant. She adds they were once so close especially since he told her things he probably would never want anyone else knowing. [Heh, well that's just a throwaway line on this kind of a show.] She tries again and this time gets close enough to him to caress his face before the scene fades out...

Morning breaks, and we're introduced to Jonah and Riley snuggling on the bed. Apparently, it's their anniversary but Jonah has forgotten.
Apparently, this isn't the first time. Last year, he swore on the Lord of the Rings (blasphemous if u ask me) that he'd never forget their anniversary. He nonchalantly sits down to turn on the TV when Riley starts bitching some more. But wait! He didnt forget! He redeems himself by a video montage playing on TV that he apparently prepared for in advance. Somehow, this episode transforms into the montage and we see a god awful stream of images in the style of a hippie's acid trip gone bad. [my sister even blurted out the words: "what the fuck is this?"] The video montage finally ends with Jonah saying, "...and one more thing..." Riley stops watching and finds Jonah has moved to the other side of her and is down on one knee. He pops the big question... but the cheesy proposal is interrupted by screams of Ashlee Simpson (yes, those are real screams, not lip-synced ones). Everyone comes out of their apartments to find Sydney's dead body in the pool. [gee. takes me back to when we found crazy, dead Brooke in the pool. now those were good times.] COMMERCIAL

And were back. The police believe that Sydney was stabbed in the doorway and eventually collapsed into the pool. Ashlee's character is apparently the new girl, named Violet. Just moved in, which is unfortunate since she's the one who discovered the body (in true Melrose fashion, maybe SHE'll turn out to be the killer!) Auggie seems to be the resident nice guy, since he'
s the only one that feels any sort of remorse for not being there the night before. Maybe he could've helped. (or... in true Melrose fashion, maybe he had something to do with it!) Lauren finally asks the obvious question: Wheres David? Apparently, he's being questioned by the police but wont say anything without a lawyer. He's got a colorful record full of minor arrests and drug busts. He claims he didnt kill her. His douchebag of a police officer doesnt seem to believe him but David's free to go anyway. Turns out, Ella's at the station and claims she was with him at 530 in the morning exonerating him of any charges. [now if i was a police detective i would have checked out both stories to see if they matched before releasing the possible murderer, but what do i know?] David explains that if Ella uses this story for his alibi, everyone will think they hooked up. She responds: "so give them something to tweet about." [yeah, i really like her.] Cut to Lauren who's now taking care of a patient whose son seems very caring and sympathetic. She leaves the room to take a call and its her Dad. He's been laid off and consequently, can't help pay for the rest of her tuition, which we find, is already overdue. Lauren fakes everything's ok and hangs up the phone, but we see she's near tears... Back to Jonah and Riley (who btw is already starting to annoy me) She's about to leave for work when Jonah admits he forgot to get gas for the car. Oh Jonah, so forgetful... She's disappointed, but he seems to charm her. And then reminds her that she hasn't said yes to his proposal. She bullshits and explains that with everything that's going on that morning she just needs a little time. After he claims he's known since the day he met her that he wanted to marry her (highly unlikely but whatever), she asks for a day. He seems butthurt, she frowns, and leaves. Outside the police station, Ella and David are discussing their alibi. Or more like, he accuses her of using him as HER alibi but she says she's a neat freak and that if she did kill Sydney, she wouldn't have been that sloppy. Then we get a flashback: Sydney is waiting for Ella in Ella's apartment and says "how could you?" It seems Ella has spilled the beans on Sydney sleeping with David's dad. Ella claims she's just being a good friend. Syd's not amused and proceeds to evict her. Adding insult to injury, she promises Ella that when shes finished, Ella will leave here the same way she came, as a pathetic wannabe wearing juicy sweatpants and bad highlights. [I'm assuming this flashback is to give us Ella's motive for possibly killing Sydney.] It ends just in time for David's dad to pull up in his baller ass car to pick up David. And of course, Dad turns out to be none other than Dr. Michael Mancini.

In a fun, father/son car ride, David tells Michael that he knows about him once living at Melrose Place and cheating on his then wife... and helping Sydney once fake her own death. More arguing ensues until Michael finally kicks him out of the car and leaves him stranded on a very ghetto looking road. Cut to Ella and Jonah who are at a rich man's daughter's super sweet teen birthday party. He's initially there just to film the joyous event, but really plans on pitching his short film to the bday girl's dad who happens to be a successful filmmaker. Jonah is nervous and Ella tries to boost his confidence. He is a talented artist (though
u'd never know from that horrible cheezy montage). All he has to do is be himself. At that moment, he announces he's proposed to Riley. Ella rolls her eyes (i think i do too) and walks away. Back at the hospital where Lauren works, she gets faxed an overdue tuition bill?... Just as her patient's son walks up and starts hitting on her. Back again to the Bday party, Ella is scolding Jonah about tying himself down when he could have any girl he wants. He says he only wants Riley and then admits she hasn't exactly said yes yet. Ella's quick to point out if Riley has doubt, it's not a good sign. Back to Lauren again, this time at the Melrose apartment. (how'd she get there so fast?!) She's walks into Riley's apartment to ask about any current news regarding Sydney's murder. There isn't any. But Riley notices that Lauren looks perturbed. She asks whats wrong and Lauren immediately tells her sob story. "All my life... all I wanted to be was a doctor." [cue the violins girl. we're in a damn recession.] She then mentions to Riley that she's so bummed she doesn't even wanna go out on a date with some cute guy who asked her out. She also complains about having only one outfit and pair of shoes. [Geez, this girl is a martyr] Riley offers to let her raid the closet since they share the same shoe size anyway. And as she gets up, Lauren sees the ring. She's psyched and asks why Riley didnt say anything. Her answer: "oh, because nothings really official yet." Or something like that. Idiot. Back at the bday party, Jonah finally gets the courage to introduce himself to the father of the celebrant. After he makes his pitch, Bday Girl's Daddy aint so pleased. Movie pitch is a major fail...

And in one probably boring, outdated closet, Riley is explaining why shes an idiot-- i mean, why she hasn't accepted Jonah's proposal. Its because he can't seem to take care of himself, so how will he be able to take care of a family. Struggling artist vs. Dependable Husband and Father.... I guess he just can't be both. Elsewhere in a restaurant kitchen, David visits Auggie and tells him Ella made up an alibi to get him out of police custody. He also admits that he blacked out the night before and is worried he may have actually killed Sydney. But Auggie says no way. It couldnt have been him. [Perhaps its those big brown eyes, but Auggie wins the best actor award on this show so far. Not sure that says much, but I always liked this actor on AMC too.]
Back to the oddly Bollywood-themed bday party and the bday girl's Mom wants Jonah to film the gifts in the house. But when he goes in there, he hears giggles and smooches and surprise,
surprise...Daddy, aka Filmmaker who shot him down, is making out with one of his daughter's best friends. Jonah (being so forgetful) never stops filming and is caught just as he finishes documenting a video of Daddys Gone Wild. Hmm... maybe Daddy will wanna look at his film after all. COMMERCIAL

Cut back to Michael who seems to be experiencing a Sydney flashback of his own. Syd is telling Michael that her and David are over. That she only got with him to piss Michael off. She says she needs Michael, but hes happily married now. She doesnt buy it. She thinks hes in a bad marriage and threatens to tell his wife about their affair. [anyone else think Michael and Sydney were made for each other?]
Meanwhile, Lauren apparently found some clothes and shoes and is now on her date. Only it looks like she's boring him to death with her "how i wanted to be a doctor all my life" story. He claims he's not bugged by it at all and invites her over for dessert to his upgraded hotel suite. [obviously, the guy just needs to get laid.] After she tells him that she's just not the first date hook-up kinda girl, he admits he's only dating for one night since he's actually moving his ailing mom back to New York. He then tells her he has a crazy idea which consists of them going back to his place and getting it on for about $5,000.00 (guess he saw that late school bill). Lauren is shocked. He tries to rationalize, but she's already disgusted and gets up. He yells out for her to think about it as she walks off. At the party, Jonah is racing off the property embarrassed by his accidental filming. Filmmaker Daddy is running out after him and basically offers to buy Jonah's short film for a $100,000.00 without even seeing it. Just to keep him quiet about what he saw and/or filmed. Jonah is baffled and left with a proposition of his own. COMMERCIAL

Lauren is furiously walking back to her apartment, drops her purse, and is clearly falling apart. She runs into Violet who comments her on her new wardrobe. Apparently, she's never seen Lauren outside of her scrubs. Violet seems naive and bright-eyed. She asks Lauren what's wrong and Lauren (being so in need of telling people her problems) tells her about her almost 1st job as a prostitute. When she's finished with her story, Violet points out that she actually lost twofold. No money and no sleeping with a cute guy. [Something tells me Violet isn't as innocent as she pretends. You gotta have a sneaky bitch on this show.] Jonah comes home and Riley is all "Where've u been?! There's so many messages on the machine for you from a major film producer who wants to buy your movie." Jonah explains that he just wants to buy the movie because he got caught making out with his daughter's best friend, on camera. He's never even seen Jonah's film. He scathingly tells her that he wanted to take the offer because it would finally prove he's ready to be a grown up. [aka ready to quit his dream of making sophisticated films in an effort to do whatever he can just so he can make her happy.] Essentially, if he said yes, he'd be doing it in hopes that she'll finally say yes to him. BUT! In the end, he couldn't bring himself to do it. Because, thankfully, Jonah has actual dignity and doesnt wanna sell out. He wants to start his career on different terms. He apologizes, thinking she sees this as yet another screw-up, but this time Riley finally realizes her stupidity and sees him for the noble man he really is. And so, she says yes. [barf] COMMERCIAL

It's Memorial time at Melrose Place and Auggie is trying his best to say nice things about the dearly departed Sydney. Everyone toasts as Jonah announces the new engagement. Everyone seems happy and congratulates them, except Ella who walks away looking like she's going to vomit. [i feel u girl.] David follows her and oddly proposes to make his and Ella's alibi for real. But she doesn't wanna hook up with losers so she turns him down. Violet asks Auggie out for coffee but he admits he's seen better days and politely declines. We reach the final montage of scenes and we find out David is an art thief, the douchebag police officer is trailing Ella--who ends up goin all Lesbo and making out with some hot chick at a bar. Meanwhile, Lauren is all hookered out as she arrives at the hotel room suite. It seems she has succumbed to doing the dirty for money while the new fiances are taking a bubble bath. Violet goes all klepto by stealing Sydney's memorial picture, and we end with Auggie... who is hiding something since he pulls out a bloody shirt and burns it in an alley.

AFTERTHOUGHTS: Hmm... well, lets see.... I guess the first thing is, I expected a lot worse? Most of these sleazy soap dramas are dependent on ppl connecting to the characters enough so that we believe all their crazy plot twists. I see promise in the characters of Auggie, Ella, and even Jonah and Violet. Lauren and Riley seem like the weakest link, maybe because they play the sweet girls who just wanna have a family and become a doctor to help people. Can you say... boring? Like, why the hell would you live on Melrose?? Move to the suburbs bitches! Anyhow, I'm also looking forward to seeing more of Michael, and later, Jane (Sydney's older sister from the original Melrose Place). Which reminds me, what is up with that logo in the opening credits? I hope they find something more interesting by next week. In short, not amazingly entertained but not deeply disappointed either. We'll just have to see what happens...

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